God, I'm so mad at you right now!!! I'm sorry. :(

Why does God seem to hate me even when I know He doesn't???

Wow! I am still struggling so much! When will it stop?! I know it never truly will while I'm on this earth, but really - shouldn't I be due for a break? :)

Seriously, I know that I am so blessed and that I should continually be thankful if only just to live in this country but I can't help but wonder . . . If this is it, why don't Judd and I just focus all of our attention on paying off our debts and become missionaries in Africa????

I feel so purposeless! I know that my life matters. I think that we make a difference in our neighborhood (but really)? My beloved Husband makes a difference at church, but is that enough to fulfill my life? My job is important - but honestly- how much good do I do? I just don't know some days.

What is the point? I know the point is to bring God glory. Am I giving God glory now? I guess so by suffering. So fine! I'll suffer for you God. I'll live my life in pain so that others will see your strength in me. So others will say, "Wow, I'm glad I'm not like her." "Things could be worse for me." "I could be childless." "She's unhappy - Wow does that glorify God." I just don't get it right now, but I know that God's thoughts are above mine.

Even if we got pregnant I wouldn't be happy. It just wouldn't seem right. Everything is so wrong wrong wrong! It really is. I wouldn't feel worthy. It is like a child that pitches a fit to get a toy at Toys R Us - only to get it a couple of days later because the parents cave. It is shameful. I feel ashamed although I can't really put my finger on why. I just feel ashamed. I think people pity me and I can't really think of why they shouldn't when I truly am totally unhappy and my life is so boring and pitiful.

There you go God. I don't know what to do with that. I'm going to get some stuff done for school, fold some clothes, and go to bed only to face another meaningless day tomorrow.

So Be It.

In His Hands and Feeling Helpless and Hopeful,

Katy

More Avett Brother Videos:

This is a video from the actual concert that we went to! :)

Avett Brothers

Here is the band we went to go see in Augusta last Friday:

Here is a video:

Boots!

Mom,

In case you were curious these are the boots that Judd got me (the brown ones). They are BEAUtiful and the leather smells so good!

Love,

Katy

Judd had a surprise for me after our doctor's appointment on Thursday. An Anonymous person gave him a gift card to Bonefish to say thank you for him leading worship each Sunday. So Sweet! We were so thankful for a GREAT meal!!! I had the pecan encrusted Rainbow Trout and Judd had this great Kobe hamburger. Of course, we got the Bang Bang Shrimp as an appetizer too!!!!

After that we used some of my birthday money to go buy another coffee press (my favorite way to brew coffee, yum!) and some Illy Coffee (the best!) after I broke coffee press number two a couple of months ago!

It was so nice just to kick back, not think about anything, and enjoy some time with my amazing Husband! It was also nice that I didn't have any school work to bring home which is common now that I am in my 4th year of teaching and only have 10 kids on my caseload!!! Thank you Lord!!!!!!!!!!

We are so blessed! To whom much is given much is required - so Lord, as always and forever more, I am yours!

In His Hands,

Katy :)

Doctor's Appointment Today

Judd and I went to the OBGYN today. I feel so much better and at peace. I really didn't know what to think before the meeting. I felt kind-of numb and when I began to think about it I started to get upset so I tried not to. We got in to see the doctor pretty quickly which was nice. The music in the room while we were waiting was awful!

We discussed everything we could with the doctor. She thinks that my 34 day period was due to stress which certainly could be true. She wants to see us again in 3 months and suggested three things:

1. Call my General Doctor and find out exactly what my Thyroid level was when it was tested over the summer.

2. Buy a First Response Ovulation Kit and begin using it. Have sex when it says.

3. Have my progesterone checked on day 21. I need to wait through another cycle before I do this though to see if it will go back to 28 days or if my periods are going to stay irregular.

So there it is! I'm not going to worry about getting pregnant again. At least not for the next 3 months. We'll see after that.

Oh, I asked the doctor is she was worried about my periods being so light and short. She said, "No, not at all. Not at this point."

Thank you Lord for mercy. Thank you Lord for not giving up on pursuing me. Thank you Lord for your patience. And thank you Lord for your plan. Thank you for hope. Thank you that your plans are good. Thank you.

In His Hands,

Katy

A Record and Reflection of the past 3 1/2 months:

It's Tuesday night and I am sitting in bed completely stumped. I better back up. It's been a rough summer. I finished up the school year at CSES, packed up my classroom, and left my first SC school forever back in May. A couple of weeks later I lead Cheerleading for our Church's sports camp. We found out that we were not pregnant the first day of camp and that was really difficult as during the same week we found out that the youth pastor and his wife accidentally got pregnant. I also had one of my best friends in SC tell be that she too is pregnant after trying for her second baby for only 2 months.

After camp, Judd and I spent the summer going back and forth from SummerSalt and Home. We never got pregnant and eventually SummerSalt came to an end. This time is when we decided to join Gold's Gym. I needed something to get my mind off of trying to have a baby and both Judd and I needed to get back in shape. The gym has been great! We really enjoy the classes and have continued to go pretty regularly. I was even able to get up on a wakeboard after a month of working out!

As the summer drew to a close, I spent my time setting up my new classroom at RSES. It came together (and continues to come together!) and the school year began. This school year (my 4th) is much easier than all of the others. Plus, I only have 11 kids on my caseload! I have a lot more time with the shorter drive and don't have to bring school work home very often at all!

With my extra time, I have been working out, attending a Bible Study every Tuesday with my neighbors, helping with Fusion at church, and keeping a better handle on the house work. I am also able to spend more time with Judd and friends.

We have continued to try to have a baby but things have not worked out yet for us. This month I was late 6 days and was certain that I must finally be pregnant! But, all of the pregnancy tests came out negative - even a blood test at the doctor's office. I started on the 6th day late and was broken hearted once more. I have an appointment with my doctor this week to talk about what may be going on with us and being able to get pregnant again. I plan on asking the doctor to prescribe some hormones for me to help out in more than 1 area of my life.

Tonight's bible study was especially meaningful and thought provoking. We are studying the Book of Daniel through Beth Moore's study. We looked in depth at Daniel chapter 3 tonight and I must say it felt as if God was talking straight to me! Oh, how I don't deserve His Love! We talked about when the three men refused to bow down to the golden idol of Babylon and were thrown into the fire. There faith and resolve amaze me as they boldly proclaim to the king that their God is able to deliver them from the fire but even if He chooses not to save them, they will not bow down to another. Oh course, you know how the story ends - the men are thrown into the fire, they are not killed, Jesus appears with them in the fire, and when they WALK out of the fire they do not even smell like smoke!!!! The 3 men are never spoken of again in the entire Bible, but the last word on them is their lives making God's name famous! Love it!

Beth highlighted a few key things that I want to share in order to keep a record for myself when I am tempted to forget these truths. She suggested that we consider 3 scenarios when people of God face our own "fires":

1. We can be delivered from the fire and our faith will be built for a time. (This is what we all hope for and should ask for. Paul did! Ask until God tells us differently.)
2. We can be delivered through the fire and our faith is refined. It takes a fire to refine something. This is why we will not be delivered from all fires.
3. We can be delivered by the fire into His arms and our faith is perfected. (God must really want us with Him if this is the outcome of our fire.)

I believe that Judd and I are past number one in the fire of having a baby as God does seem to be allowing us to face a fire. I am praying that God will deliver us through this fire. I pray that we will be able to have our own baby. I also pray that just as the only thing that burned up in the fire in Daniel 3 was the men's bonds, God will also use this fire to settle my battle with depression once and for all. How amazing would it be if God used this fire to help the doctors and myself learn how to naturally balance my hormones and I never have to take prozac again!!!!! Amazing!!!!

One thing that I want to take note of is to Walk through this fire - not sit and pout or run panicked through it, but to calmly and in faith keep walking steadily. I pray that I will not come out on the other side of this smelling like the smoke of bitterness or unbelief. I want others to say "you don't even smell like smoke!" or "you don't even seem to have gone through something like that!" "I never would have known!" Oh Lord, only you can do this in me!

I don't know how long it will be before God either delivers me through this fire or gives us a clear answer that we will not be able to have a child. In the meantime, I will bath in God's presence because that is the only way to avoid getting burned by this fire. I can't do this on my own! This will not destroy me or my faith!

As I learned through the book of Esther - If (greatest fear), then God. or If you tell us we can never have a baby naturally, then we will trust in you to fulfill this desire to be parents in another way (adoption) or to remove it and fill our lives with another way to make you famous.

I don't deserve your love God. I have been so mad at you. I have reeked of smoke!!! Why, oh why, do you continue to have patience with me? Why don't you abandon me? Why do you keep persuing me?

Because You are God, and I am not.

So there it is. I'm just waiting, walking, and hoping!

In His Hands,

Katy