Thank You

I cannot thank you enough for your encouragement, prayers, and kind words! Oh, how I need them right now!!! I know that I have SO much to be thankful for and I need to depend upon other people more than ever. There's just so much that I'm questioning right now. It's so good to hear your stories of trial and pain, and to see where you all are now. There's a part of me that believes that I'll continue to get bad news from here on out. I almost don't believe that anything good COULD happen. I'm afraid to hope.

I remember back in January when Judd and I had been trying for about 9 months to get pregnant again after our miscarriage in April 2009. I had some unusual pain and bleeding and the doctor wanted me to take a pregnancy test. I did and it was positive (which was cRaZy because I'd had a "regular" period two weeks prior)! For a moment I allowed myself to hope, "This could be it! The doctors could save this pregnancy and this could be our baby!" It wasn't, as you know.

We went straight to the doctor, got blood work and progesterone supplements (because they suspected my body didn't make enough on its own and that may have contributed to our miscarriage), and I was on bed rest for a couple of days. Long story short, I didn't just lose that baby (through miscarriage again) but it was something even worse. The baby implanted in my left Fallopian tube. I was bleeding because the baby ruptured my tube! I had to have emergency surgery in Colorado (my doc in SC thought I was miscarrying and said it was safe to go on the trip anyway, what?!?!!!), lost our 2nd baby, one of my tubes, and half of our fertility. Because I still have both ovaries, my body still alternates ovulation each month from side to side, except I only have one tube that works. That means we only have 6 months out of a year that we can get pregnant IF I am ovulating (and with all of the stress, who knows?).

SO, you can understand why my outlook is glum and my faith is pretty rocked. How could God not only take another baby but in a much worse way and half of our chances??? It makes me think of when God told one of the guys in the Old Testament to reduce Israel's army down from something like 10,000 to 300 before they went to battle. God wanted to show them it was HIS power that would win the battle, not theirs and maybe that's what He is doing with us. I hope so . . .

I have A LOT of questions to work out with the Lord. Judd and I are going to ask another couple at our new church to begin meeting with us on a regular basis to help us sort through some of this stuff. I'm hopeful that this will help.

Thank you again for your support and love! Maybe I'm too open on my blog. I know I am, but isn't that what blogging is all about? Telling your story? That's what I'm determined to do. Share this story - the good, the bad, and the very, very ugly.

God bless and thank you again!

Katy :)

I have SO FAR to go!

I'm SO not the person that I know God wants me to be. I'm not the person that Judd needs me to be. I'm certainly not the person that I would want raising my future children! I don't know why I'm having such a hard time dealing with all of the challenges and disappointments in my life right now. But I am. I really, really am.

Totally Miserable

This totally isn't me! I feel like a totally different person, but I can't even begin to express to you how miserable I am. It sounds so awful, but there's no other way to describe it. I wish I could just depend upon the Lord's strength and I do most days but then I have these days where I totally break down and don't think I can carry on. Why am I so miserable?

1. My husband and I moved to Southwest Florida almost 3 months ago. Our closest family is 2 1/2 hours away and is one of Judd's brothers. Our parents and all of our friends are either in Atlanta, GA or Columbia, SC. We don't have the support here that we had in Columbia, so it makes this time of transition extra difficult.

2. I am TOTALLY stressed out at my job. I left 4.2 years of teaching Resource (students with mild learning, emotional, behavioral, etc. disabilities) to teach 2nd grade general education and I am really struggling with it! People always told me that Special Education is so tough, but I think it was a lot easier than what I'm doing now!!! On top of the placement change, I'm in a school district that performance groups the kids, teaches SRA Reading Mastery full-time to the "lower" classes, and I got the class with the majority of 2nd grade "repeaters". The Principal doesn't allow us to have recess, I don't get to teach SS or SCI, and my class has some of the worst behavior problems in the school! One kid was almost exported back to Haiti last year because he was so bad!!! I do my best everyday, staying until 5:00, 6:00, or even 7:00 at night, but still feel like I'm failing miserably and on top of all of that, I have an assistant Principal who is in charge of observing me and rarely has anything positive to say about me. The school is under so much pressure to get an "A" again this year, and we have so much stacked against us - 97% free and reduced lunch, and majority minority population (mostly Latino). I've broken down crying a few times at school and I don't know how much more I can take!!!

3. We are still not pregnant and have NO idea if or when it will ever happen. We continue to congratulate those around us with their happy news of their 1st, 2nd, and even 3rd babies. We'd love to adopt, but don't know when we'll be ready. I can't even get myself together right now!

4. I am really missing our house back home. I miss our neighbors, being able to leave our door unlocked when we go down the street, and I REALLY miss having a dish washer. Because Judd and I are rarely home these days and are having trouble keeping up with the house on top of our duties at work, we have resorted to using disposable EVERYTHING. I know it's terrible for the environment but it's only for a short period of time, and makes our lives a little easier. I am SO thankful that we have a place to stay, which is RENT FREE through January thanks to an amazing anonymous person from our new church. I'm just missing our home.

5. I came down with the stomach bug, went to school anyway because someone from the district office was coming to demonstrate a math lesson in my room, planned on leaving right after the lesson, but they couldn't find a sub to cover my class. In between running out of the classroom to hit the restroom, I got some work together and split them among the other 2nd grade teachers. I'm still out sick today and they couldn't find anyone to cover my class so my kids are in other rooms again today. Am I the only one that thinks this is totally insane?!?!

6. Judd and I can't go home for Christmas this year. Christmas is on a Saturday and we have Saturday night service at our church. Judd doesn't want to get anyone to cover for him because he's so new at the job. Plus, who wants to cover on Christmas?!?! So, we'll be in this place that I don't really like right now, alone, and thinking (whether or not we want to) about how we are all alone with no children (our 2 are in heaven). I just don't think I'm going to handle this very well at all!

I really, truly, honestly, don't know what to do!!! I feel so badly for Judd. He had a rough time in SC but handled it so well. I had great experiences there and now I am the one that is having such a tough time. I don't know if I can just "put on a happy face". I'm not really that kind-of person. I've always worn my emotions on my sleeves and that's something very difficult to change. I keep waiting for God to swoop in and make everything okay . . .