I couldn't make it through church today

     I didn't even make it 10 minutes! I just felt this overwhelming sadness and knew I was going to burst into tears at any moment.

Why? 

     

     Nothing "bad" has happened recently, in fact, things have been going pretty well in our neighborhood, with our families and friends, and with the "plan" from the fertility doctor. I just felt the sadness and bitterness towards God, life, everything, creeping in. If you are one who has experienced depression and deep loss - you know what this is like. It's like a dark cloud that comes over you and you feel you can do nothing to stop it.

     So I left church in the middle of the worship set (which my husband leads!) and as soon as my back was turned to anyone within a fifty foot radius I BURST into tears. They just flowed and I just let them. I got into my car and didn't know what to do. I wanted someone to talk with but who??? Everyone was either out-of-town or in church, etc. I felt in my heart the Holy Spirit "whisper", "Katy, bring it to me."

     "YOU?! Why would I want to do that!?!? You are the reason I'm in this mess - why I'm so sad! YOU could have done something to save Malachi and Jonah, but NO you didn't! Why would I come to you?!"

     "Because I'm the only One that can truly heal you, that truly knows your pain, that loves you purely."

     "I know Lord, but I'm so mad at you! At this whole situation! That I am so sad."

     "Bring it to me. Your load is heavy, but Mine is light. I will carry it for you, bring it to Me. (Matthew 11:30)

     Sniff. Sniff. "Okay". How about coffee at Starbucks and we talk on the patio over a Grande, half-caf (better if I'm pregnant), skinny cafe misto?"

     I am being totally honest with you when I say I wasn't sure that I would feel much better after spending this time with the Lord, but He lifted my sorrow and filled me with peace beyond what I could have imagined. I have been reading Angie Smith's new book "I Will Carry You" about her grieving through the loss of her precious baby girl, Audrey. It is a great book and I highly recommend it if you are dealing with a similar situation. You can read about it here. Anyway, in the book she talks about the death (and later resurrection) of Lazurus and the way that Mary and Martha respond as well as how Jesus responds. I decided to spend some time with these scriptures in John and I am so thankful the Holy Spirit spoke Truth to me through it (which I shouldn't be surprised as His Word says He will!). I'll share a little bit here, but I encourage you to spend some time with the Holy Spirit and see what He has to say to you about it.

     Here are the high-lights:
- Jesus was very close to Mary, Martha, and Lazurus, all of whom are brother and sisters
- Mary and Martha sent a message to Jesus that Lazurus was dying
- Jesus stayed 2 more days even though it would take Him 1 day to travel to Lazurus
- Jesus loved them, so why did He delay?
- When He found out that Lazurus had died, Jesus said that He was glad for the sake of His followers so that we will believe.
- Martha ran to Jesus and said, "If You had been here, my brother would not have died" (Wow! How many times have I said something like that about my babies! "You could have saved them, but now it's too late!)
- Jesus replied that Lazurus would rise again, however, Martha had trouble believing Him.
- Then Mary ran to Jesus and fell at His feet weeping. She invited Him into her pain saying, "Come and see" and Jesus was so deeply moved that he too began to weep. (Jesus weeps with us in our pain as well and wants us to bring our pain to His feet).

     You know how the rest of the story goes, Jesus told the women to roll the stone of Lazurus' grave away and once again Martha did not believe, telling Jesus that the stench of him being dead for 4 days would be too much. (Oh, how I see myself in Martha!!!). Jesus replied, "Did I not say that if you believe you will see the glory of God?" Did they ever!!! They rolled the stone away and Lazurus came out of the tomb in response to Jesus calling him. He was still wrapped in the burial clothes.

     There is something different on the other side of that "stone" for each of us. God didn't save my babies and He has not yet given us another child. There have been many other times that the Lord did work a miracle for us, but not this time. Jesus doesn't promise the miracle, but He does promise that we will see the "glory of God". What does that mean? Ultimately, Heaven, but I believe there will be smaller glimpses of His Glory throughout our lives (John 10:10 - "I have come that you might have life (present tense) and have it more abundantly). What will that Glory be? I have no idea. But I know that this whole stinkin' situation will glorify Him in some way.

"Not to us, Oh Lord,

Not to us, but to

Your Name be the Glory, 

because of Your Unfailing Love and Faithfulness."

Psalm 155:1

It really is best when I bring my sorrow to Him!!!

Wait

Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried;

Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied.

I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate...

and the Master so gently said,"Wait."

"Wait? you say wait?" my indignant reply."

Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!

"Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?

By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word.

My future and all to which I relate

hangs in the balance and you tell me to Wait?"

I'm needing a 'yes', a go-ahead sign.

Or even a 'no,' to which I'll resign.

You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe,

We need but to ask, and we shall receive.

Lord, I've been asking, and this is my cry:

I'm weary of asking! I need a reply.

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate

as my Master replied again, "Wait."

So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut,

and grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting...for what?"

He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine...

and He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.

I could shake the heavens and darken the sun.

I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run.

I could give all you seek and pleased you would be.

You'd have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me.

You'd not know the depth of My love for each saint.

You'd not know the power that I give to the faint.

You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair;

you'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there.

You'd not know the joy of resting in Me

when darkness and silence are all you can see.

You'd never experience the fullness of love

when the peace of My spirit descends like a dove.

You would know that I give, and I save, for a start,

But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.

The glow of My comfort late into the night,

the faith that I give when you walk without sight.

The depth that's beyond getting just what you ask

From an infinite God who makes what you have last.

You'd never know should your pain quickly flee,

what it means that My grace is sufficient for thee.

Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true,

but oh, the loss if I lost what I'm doing in you.

So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see

that the greatest of gifts is to truly know me.

And though oft My answers seem terribly late,

My most precious answer of all is still "WAIT".

I can't . . . He can

 "I can't stop the desire to be a mommy.

I can't imagine my life without burpcloths, bibs, and pacifiers.

I can't get the thought of little toy trucks or pastel pink bows out of my head.

I can't think of anything I'd rather do than watch T-ball games and ballet recitals.

I can't wait to whisper the words "Mommy and Daddy love you so much."

I can't...

He can...

He WILL!"

"And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus."~ Phillipians 4:19

Glory Baby by Watermark

Glory baby you slipped away as fast as we could say baby…baby..
You were growing, what happened dear?
You disappeared on us baby…baby..
Heaven will hold you before we do
Heaven will keep you safe until we’re home with you…
Until we’re home with you…


Miss you everyday
Miss you in every way
But we know there’s a
day when we will hold you
We will hold you
You’ll kiss our tears away
When we’re home to stay
Can’t wait for the day when we will see you
We will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you
‘till mom and dad can hold you…
You’ll just have heaven before we do
You’ll just have heaven before we do


Sweet little babies, it’s hard to
understand it ‘cause we’re hurting
We are hurting
But there is healing
And we know we’re stronger people through the growing
And in knowing-
That all things work together for our good
And God works His purposes just like He said He would…
Just like He said He would…


BRIDGE:
I can’t imagine heaven’s lullabies
and what they must sound like
But I will rest in knowing, heaven is your home
And it’s all you’ll ever know…all you’ll ever know…

Ouch!

I have never been a girl that could feel when I was ovulating. I've had friends that could, but never me until . . . Clomid. I don't know what this stuff has done to my body but OUCH! I know it will all be worth it though!

I cried last night

I don't know why, but I just lost hope. Judd said he has enough hope for the both of us. Oh, I love him so!!!

Baby Number 2 Deserves a Name as Well

Judd and I realized recently that we should name the 2nd baby that we lost. It just looks so sad on my facebook page with Malachi and then baby #2 so we started brainstorming . . . Malachi was born out of a desire to remember him as well to remember and acknowledge the way we thought God was using him in our lives (to refine us as God refines silver or gold - Malachi 3). This baby needs a lighter name . . . He did have a tubal pregnancy and since he kind-of got lost along the way we thought about the name Moses. Moses wandered for 40 years in the desert before reaching the promised land. But we shot that idea down  because our dog's name is Amos Moses and it just didn't feel right naming our child the same name as our dog . . . plus, 40 years is WAY longer than the time that Baby #2 wandered! How about Jonah!? He didn't go where he was supposed to go and ended up in the belly of a whale! Baby #2 also didn't go where he was supposed to go and ended up in my abdomen! Human abdomen - Belly of a whale - I definitely see the parallel! How about you?!?! Ha! So Baby #2 is now affectionally called Jonah!

It's been awhile!

I have a lot to update you on!!!

After 9 months of trying to get pregnant again with no results, Judd and I and his wonderful parents left for our annual skiing trip out west! This time to Steamboat Springs, CO!

We thought we would have a fun time skiing, eating, and spending time with Joe and Judy, but God had other plans . . . 

My doctor in SC called and said that my Beta HCG numbers were alarming and to find a doctor in CO quickly to have my blood tested again. I did, of course (because that's what you do when a doctor calls you on your cell phone while you are on vacation!), and found a wonderful doctor in CO named Dr. Bowman. She found a mass outside of my left ovary and a lot of clotted blood in my abdomen! I had emergency surgery two hours later and found out that I had a tubal pregnancy that ruptured one of my Fallopian tubes! She said I had a good "guardian angel" (we know who that is!) and a high tolerance for pain! HA! She obviously didn't know me very well! 

I made it through the surgery - even the IVs and needles - with flying colors!!!

We were of course very disappointed but also SOOO thankful! We have recently found out (months later) that I have a genetic mutation that causes my blood to be "sticky" and clot more than the average person. This may be the cause of my miscarriage, and also the reason I survived my Fallopian Tube rupturing!!! What a strange place to be! The very thing that caused such pain in my life also saved it! 

Well, now we have a plan for future pregnancies and my doctor will be monitoring me VERY closely to catch another ectopic pregnancy. We are thankful and know that God's plan will be SO MUCH BETTER than what we can think or imagine!

Oh, how sweet is this?! It was on the wall in my hospital room. :)