Reflections after talking with my Parents

I have got a bad case of the "wants"! If I can't be content with the blessing that God has already graciously given to me (Jesus, Judd, My family, My health, My Job, My friends and neighbors), how will I ever be content or happy or at rest?

I remember wanting to get married, or when I wanted to get a dog (I was never this distraught about those things for the record - more marriage than the dog). After a while, you begin to want something else I guess. After a child, will I want another one? Will I want my children to do something? Will I just want them to grow up and leave the house? Will I want to retire? I don't know. But I do know that I will want something.

Lord, forgive me for not focusing on and being thankful for the amazing blessings you have already poured out upon me! Forgive me for wanting more! Help me to rest in you and be content.

In His Hands,

Katy

Random Recent Events and Thoughts

Haven't blogged in a few days and thought I would. Let's see . . . What's going on . . .

Spent Saturday with our friends Paul and Donna. They live on the lake here and have a wakeboarding boat. Yes, we did wakeboard in October and YES the water was cold! I wasn't sure if I would give it a try this time, but I did and got up almost every time. Now I just need to figure out what I do when I get there! Ha! Maybe next summer.

Work is going well . . . I guess. I am "Teacher of the Month" this month and have my picture along with a very nice message posted in the entrance of our school. I am trying to Co-teach with a 5th grade teacher. We started this week and are still trying to "tweak" everything. These kids need a lot of help!!!! I just pray everyday that I can help these kids!!!!

Today I was nominated to attend the United Way Fundraiser meeting. I guess I'm helping with the campaign this year. Oh goody! :) No, I am glad to help - just a little worried.

Back to the weekend . . . Donna shared with me a verse that helped her while she was waiting on her husband and a baby later on. It is Psalm 37:7:

"Be still and wait on the Lord. Do not fret when others succeed in their ways."

I just keep saying this verse over and over again so that I don't get too overcome by envy of others that do have families. It seems like most people have children and it's hard for me to wonder why our time hasn't yet come. I know God has a plan though and is working it for my good and His Glory!

Donna also suggested buying a baby outfit and hanging it somewhere as a statement of faith that we will one day have a child. Someone gave us a little outfit with a guitar on it when we were pregnant last spring so I hung up that one.

Last night we went to a fundraiser banquet for the Daybreak Crisis Pregnancy Center last night. It was great to support such a wonderful cause but also very painful to listen to stories of women who "accidently" became pregnant and didn't want their babies! God's ways are so mysterious!

We are now 4 days late again with no positive pregnancy test. This happened last month and we ended up being 6 days late. Why would my cycle all of the sudden go from a steady 28 day cycle to an irregular 30-something day cycle? I have not idea. I am not going to try to understand it. We get to start using the fertility monitor next cycle so I am excited about that. It will be good to find out more about what is going on.

I started some new meds this week and haven't noticed that much of a difference. I hope to see some results soon.

This has been a VERY random post. I'm just trying to journal what is going on overall.

OH! I did read more in the book of Job. After God allowed Satan to destroy most of Job's family and possessions, Satan asked to be able to strike Job's body and God allowed him to do so. Job still does not curse or blame God but does say he desires to die. I have definitely been there! I had those thoughts today.

I just pray that Judd and I are doing what we are supposed to in our lives right now. Judd is struggling too with the church. We are praying for miracles all over the place!

Is anyway else relating to how I'm feeling?

In His Hands,

Katy :)

"Through all of this Job did not sin nor did he blame God"

So during my "blog stocking" today I discovered that Kelly (from Kelly's Korner - one of my favorite blogs) had a post about a woman that recently became pregnant. She had gone through all sorts of fertility treatments and nothing worked. Finally, after spending some time in the book of Job and realizing how much of an idol getting pregnant had become in her life - she became pregnant!

One thing that I really want to be careful of is trying to do things to manipulate God into giving me what I want, which is currently a baby. I really want to submit to His Will. So, I decided to study the book of Job for a little while. I read chapter 1 today and must say I am already total convicted and challenged. Job had so much, including 10 children, and in one day - no, a matter of minutes - EVERYTHING and I mean EVERYTHING was taken away. His response:

"The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away. Blessed be the name of the Lord."

WHAT?!? If only I would have been able to say the same thing after our miscarriage! But instead - I have blamed you God! I'm so sorry!!!

Verse 22 says, "Through all of this Job did not sin nor did he blame God."

WOW! God, I want faith and a love for you like Job!!! How about you guys?

In His Hands,

Katy

Words from Kelly's Korner:

"There are women who become mothers without effort, 
without thought,
without patience or loss,
and though they are good mothers and love their children,
I know that I will be better.


I will be better not because of genetics or money or because I have read more books,
but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.



I have longed and waited.


I have cried and prayed.


I have endured and planned over and over again.



Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.



I will notice everything about my child.

I will take time to watch my child sleep,
explore,
and discover.


I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.


I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold, and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. 


My dream will be crying for me.



I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child.



Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.

I will be a better mother for all that I have endured.

I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend, and sister because I have known pain.


I know disillusionment, as I have been betrayed by my own body.

I have been tried by fire and hell that many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.



I have prevailed.


I have succeeded.

I have won.


So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort.

I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.


I listen.


And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely.



I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth when life is beyond hard.


I have learned a compassion that only comes by walking in those shoes.

I have learned to appreciate life.



Yes, I will be a wonderful mother."

God, I'm so mad at you right now!!! I'm sorry. :(

Why does God seem to hate me even when I know He doesn't???

Wow! I am still struggling so much! When will it stop?! I know it never truly will while I'm on this earth, but really - shouldn't I be due for a break? :)

Seriously, I know that I am so blessed and that I should continually be thankful if only just to live in this country but I can't help but wonder . . . If this is it, why don't Judd and I just focus all of our attention on paying off our debts and become missionaries in Africa????

I feel so purposeless! I know that my life matters. I think that we make a difference in our neighborhood (but really)? My beloved Husband makes a difference at church, but is that enough to fulfill my life? My job is important - but honestly- how much good do I do? I just don't know some days.

What is the point? I know the point is to bring God glory. Am I giving God glory now? I guess so by suffering. So fine! I'll suffer for you God. I'll live my life in pain so that others will see your strength in me. So others will say, "Wow, I'm glad I'm not like her." "Things could be worse for me." "I could be childless." "She's unhappy - Wow does that glorify God." I just don't get it right now, but I know that God's thoughts are above mine.

Even if we got pregnant I wouldn't be happy. It just wouldn't seem right. Everything is so wrong wrong wrong! It really is. I wouldn't feel worthy. It is like a child that pitches a fit to get a toy at Toys R Us - only to get it a couple of days later because the parents cave. It is shameful. I feel ashamed although I can't really put my finger on why. I just feel ashamed. I think people pity me and I can't really think of why they shouldn't when I truly am totally unhappy and my life is so boring and pitiful.

There you go God. I don't know what to do with that. I'm going to get some stuff done for school, fold some clothes, and go to bed only to face another meaningless day tomorrow.

So Be It.

In His Hands and Feeling Helpless and Hopeful,

Katy

More Avett Brother Videos:

This is a video from the actual concert that we went to! :)

Avett Brothers

Here is the band we went to go see in Augusta last Friday:

Here is a video:

Boots!

Mom,

In case you were curious these are the boots that Judd got me (the brown ones). They are BEAUtiful and the leather smells so good!

Love,

Katy

Judd had a surprise for me after our doctor's appointment on Thursday. An Anonymous person gave him a gift card to Bonefish to say thank you for him leading worship each Sunday. So Sweet! We were so thankful for a GREAT meal!!! I had the pecan encrusted Rainbow Trout and Judd had this great Kobe hamburger. Of course, we got the Bang Bang Shrimp as an appetizer too!!!!

After that we used some of my birthday money to go buy another coffee press (my favorite way to brew coffee, yum!) and some Illy Coffee (the best!) after I broke coffee press number two a couple of months ago!

It was so nice just to kick back, not think about anything, and enjoy some time with my amazing Husband! It was also nice that I didn't have any school work to bring home which is common now that I am in my 4th year of teaching and only have 10 kids on my caseload!!! Thank you Lord!!!!!!!!!!

We are so blessed! To whom much is given much is required - so Lord, as always and forever more, I am yours!

In His Hands,

Katy :)

Doctor's Appointment Today

Judd and I went to the OBGYN today. I feel so much better and at peace. I really didn't know what to think before the meeting. I felt kind-of numb and when I began to think about it I started to get upset so I tried not to. We got in to see the doctor pretty quickly which was nice. The music in the room while we were waiting was awful!

We discussed everything we could with the doctor. She thinks that my 34 day period was due to stress which certainly could be true. She wants to see us again in 3 months and suggested three things:

1. Call my General Doctor and find out exactly what my Thyroid level was when it was tested over the summer.

2. Buy a First Response Ovulation Kit and begin using it. Have sex when it says.

3. Have my progesterone checked on day 21. I need to wait through another cycle before I do this though to see if it will go back to 28 days or if my periods are going to stay irregular.

So there it is! I'm not going to worry about getting pregnant again. At least not for the next 3 months. We'll see after that.

Oh, I asked the doctor is she was worried about my periods being so light and short. She said, "No, not at all. Not at this point."

Thank you Lord for mercy. Thank you Lord for not giving up on pursuing me. Thank you Lord for your patience. And thank you Lord for your plan. Thank you for hope. Thank you that your plans are good. Thank you.

In His Hands,

Katy

A Record and Reflection of the past 3 1/2 months:

It's Tuesday night and I am sitting in bed completely stumped. I better back up. It's been a rough summer. I finished up the school year at CSES, packed up my classroom, and left my first SC school forever back in May. A couple of weeks later I lead Cheerleading for our Church's sports camp. We found out that we were not pregnant the first day of camp and that was really difficult as during the same week we found out that the youth pastor and his wife accidentally got pregnant. I also had one of my best friends in SC tell be that she too is pregnant after trying for her second baby for only 2 months.

After camp, Judd and I spent the summer going back and forth from SummerSalt and Home. We never got pregnant and eventually SummerSalt came to an end. This time is when we decided to join Gold's Gym. I needed something to get my mind off of trying to have a baby and both Judd and I needed to get back in shape. The gym has been great! We really enjoy the classes and have continued to go pretty regularly. I was even able to get up on a wakeboard after a month of working out!

As the summer drew to a close, I spent my time setting up my new classroom at RSES. It came together (and continues to come together!) and the school year began. This school year (my 4th) is much easier than all of the others. Plus, I only have 11 kids on my caseload! I have a lot more time with the shorter drive and don't have to bring school work home very often at all!

With my extra time, I have been working out, attending a Bible Study every Tuesday with my neighbors, helping with Fusion at church, and keeping a better handle on the house work. I am also able to spend more time with Judd and friends.

We have continued to try to have a baby but things have not worked out yet for us. This month I was late 6 days and was certain that I must finally be pregnant! But, all of the pregnancy tests came out negative - even a blood test at the doctor's office. I started on the 6th day late and was broken hearted once more. I have an appointment with my doctor this week to talk about what may be going on with us and being able to get pregnant again. I plan on asking the doctor to prescribe some hormones for me to help out in more than 1 area of my life.

Tonight's bible study was especially meaningful and thought provoking. We are studying the Book of Daniel through Beth Moore's study. We looked in depth at Daniel chapter 3 tonight and I must say it felt as if God was talking straight to me! Oh, how I don't deserve His Love! We talked about when the three men refused to bow down to the golden idol of Babylon and were thrown into the fire. There faith and resolve amaze me as they boldly proclaim to the king that their God is able to deliver them from the fire but even if He chooses not to save them, they will not bow down to another. Oh course, you know how the story ends - the men are thrown into the fire, they are not killed, Jesus appears with them in the fire, and when they WALK out of the fire they do not even smell like smoke!!!! The 3 men are never spoken of again in the entire Bible, but the last word on them is their lives making God's name famous! Love it!

Beth highlighted a few key things that I want to share in order to keep a record for myself when I am tempted to forget these truths. She suggested that we consider 3 scenarios when people of God face our own "fires":

1. We can be delivered from the fire and our faith will be built for a time. (This is what we all hope for and should ask for. Paul did! Ask until God tells us differently.)
2. We can be delivered through the fire and our faith is refined. It takes a fire to refine something. This is why we will not be delivered from all fires.
3. We can be delivered by the fire into His arms and our faith is perfected. (God must really want us with Him if this is the outcome of our fire.)

I believe that Judd and I are past number one in the fire of having a baby as God does seem to be allowing us to face a fire. I am praying that God will deliver us through this fire. I pray that we will be able to have our own baby. I also pray that just as the only thing that burned up in the fire in Daniel 3 was the men's bonds, God will also use this fire to settle my battle with depression once and for all. How amazing would it be if God used this fire to help the doctors and myself learn how to naturally balance my hormones and I never have to take prozac again!!!!! Amazing!!!!

One thing that I want to take note of is to Walk through this fire - not sit and pout or run panicked through it, but to calmly and in faith keep walking steadily. I pray that I will not come out on the other side of this smelling like the smoke of bitterness or unbelief. I want others to say "you don't even smell like smoke!" or "you don't even seem to have gone through something like that!" "I never would have known!" Oh Lord, only you can do this in me!

I don't know how long it will be before God either delivers me through this fire or gives us a clear answer that we will not be able to have a child. In the meantime, I will bath in God's presence because that is the only way to avoid getting burned by this fire. I can't do this on my own! This will not destroy me or my faith!

As I learned through the book of Esther - If (greatest fear), then God. or If you tell us we can never have a baby naturally, then we will trust in you to fulfill this desire to be parents in another way (adoption) or to remove it and fill our lives with another way to make you famous.

I don't deserve your love God. I have been so mad at you. I have reeked of smoke!!! Why, oh why, do you continue to have patience with me? Why don't you abandon me? Why do you keep persuing me?

Because You are God, and I am not.

So there it is. I'm just waiting, walking, and hoping!

In His Hands,

Katy

Sorry :(

I haven't blogged in awhile. I'm sorry. :(

Things have been really busy trying to wrap up the school year. I was also kinda waiting to blog again until I had pictures to post too. Sorry, I don't have those either. :(

Well, here's the fertility update!
I'm on day 13. I've been taking my temperature each morning and plotting it on a graph in the "What to Expect Before you are Expecting" book that my friend Michelle gave to me. I am doing this not so much to know when I am ovulating, but more to know if I am getting a surge of progesterone after I ovulate (that's when your temp. shoots up). It is also fascinating to learn about how God made us! Wow! We are so complex! Having a baby is such a miracle!!!

If Judd and I get pregnant this month we should know by mid-June, so I'll be sure to let you know when we know.

:),
Katy

No More Sad Blogs!!!!!

Okay, so I'm done with sad blogs for awhile! From now on I will be posting pictures of Amos and Sue (of all of the crazy things they do on a regular basis) and sharing stories from our lives. Last night Sue decided it would be a good idea to climb to the top of our closet and sleep on top of Judd's sweaters. Sue laid his head on Judd's UGA hat using it as a pillow! :) I also played a little bit of tennis last night with Judd and Matt (one of our fabulous neighbors!). I forgot how much I love sports. Maybe I'll take a tennis class this summer at Crooked Creek Park.

Stay posted for pics!

Still in His Hands and Learning to Surrender and Like It! :)
Katy

Miscarriage Number 2?????

Okay . . . so I think Judd and I may have just experienced another miscarriage. I noticed something "strange" today that turned out to look like a yolk sac (much like the other one but smaller). I researched a little online and there is a possibility that we could have conceived (that would explain the symptoms!). I did have some spotting before I started which I found out was "old" blood. There are a few possibilities for this "old blood" which include blood left over from the 1st miscarriage (doc. said from ultrasound a week after that there was still some to pass), it could have been blood from implantation (for a very short period of time!), or could be a sign of the dreaded . . . low progesterone!!! dun dun dun!!!! (Can't you just hear the dramatic music :) !)

So only God knows. It upsets me to think there may be something "wrong" with me. All I can do is pray, and try to be as healthy as possible. I am going to amp up my exercise routine and continue with all of the other healthy things we do. I may try some over the counter progesterone cream but there is a part of me that just wants things to work without a whole lot of extra intervention. Is that weird or silly? I don't know. If we don't get pregnant (and keep the pregnancy long enough to have a missed period!) after the next couple of months maybe I'll try the cream. I also may try tracking my Basal Body Temp. but I feel that these are more of the "next step". I really just want to enjoy life. I feel that if Judd and I start doing all of these things we are kind-of forcing it and I am not sure if I want to force anything just yet (or at all!).

Of Heavenly Father! I feel like I am being tested so much right now! I struggle with my own self-ambition! Help me to let go and trust your plan for Judd and I! Will you please prompt my heart if we need to do more?!!! I feel so lost!

In His Hands,
Katy

Well . . . Got our answer . . .

Now we know that we are not pregnant! Praise God that we now know! This really is good (of course we are still disappointed though) because the later we get pregnant and keep the pregnancy, the best it is for my maternity leave from my new school. We would have had the baby around the end of January. If we get pregnant in June, we will have the baby at the beginning of March. However, whenever we get pregnant we get pregnant! It is so much of a miracle that I am not going to be picky!!! I'll have enough days from school to get by and if I want to take more time we'll take a pay cut spread out over a few months. We'll be saving some money this summer and paying off my car this fall (yea!!!).

So, there we go . . . Not yEt!!! :) I'll keep you posted!

I Love You!

In His Hands,
Katy

Still Waiting . . .

Took a test last night . . . negative. It's a good thing that we now know there are no remaining hormones from my first pregancy. Judd and I are just waiting for a period and will test again in a few days if I don't have one. Waiting . . . with hope.

I have decided that if we are pregnant I will do everything I can to have a healthy pregnancy which does mean progesterone supplements. How could I not do everything I could? Getting pregnant is a miracle and I don't want to lose that miracle! Hoping!

In His Hands,
Katy

Answer

Okay . . . so, yes! I want to be pregnant! Waiting . . .

Mother's Day 2009

Well, technically this is my first Mother's Day. Judd and I misscarried our first baby April 15th, 2009 at 7 weeks exactly. It has been 3 1/2 weeks and I am supposed to get my first period this week. We are doing okay with the loss as we are learning that God does allow pain in your life even if we don't know what His purposes are. We are seeking to trust Him with our lives and surrender. I do feel that I have learned to trust Him more, however, I still have a "hole in my heart" at times. I say that our wounds have healed, but that it can be opened up by a hard blow at anytime. Don't get me wrong . . . God has never failed me nor do I think that He has recently started too. It will all make sense, if not in this lifetime, in Heaven.

In His Hands,
Katy