Seriously, I know that I am so blessed and that I should continually be thankful if only just to live in this country but I can't help but wonder . . . If this is it, why don't Judd and I just focus all of our attention on paying off our debts and become missionaries in Africa????
I feel so purposeless! I know that my life matters. I think that we make a difference in our neighborhood (but really)? My beloved Husband makes a difference at church, but is that enough to fulfill my life? My job is important - but honestly- how much good do I do? I just don't know some days.
What is the point? I know the point is to bring God glory. Am I giving God glory now? I guess so by suffering. So fine! I'll suffer for you God. I'll live my life in pain so that others will see your strength in me. So others will say, "Wow, I'm glad I'm not like her." "Things could be worse for me." "I could be childless." "She's unhappy - Wow does that glorify God." I just don't get it right now, but I know that God's thoughts are above mine.
Even if we got pregnant I wouldn't be happy. It just wouldn't seem right. Everything is so wrong wrong wrong! It really is. I wouldn't feel worthy. It is like a child that pitches a fit to get a toy at Toys R Us - only to get it a couple of days later because the parents cave. It is shameful. I feel ashamed although I can't really put my finger on why. I just feel ashamed. I think people pity me and I can't really think of why they shouldn't when I truly am totally unhappy and my life is so boring and pitiful.
There you go God. I don't know what to do with that. I'm going to get some stuff done for school, fold some clothes, and go to bed only to face another meaningless day tomorrow.
So Be It.
In His Hands and Feeling Helpless and Hopeful,
Katy
No comments:
Post a Comment