I couldn't make it through church today

     I didn't even make it 10 minutes! I just felt this overwhelming sadness and knew I was going to burst into tears at any moment.

Why? 

     

     Nothing "bad" has happened recently, in fact, things have been going pretty well in our neighborhood, with our families and friends, and with the "plan" from the fertility doctor. I just felt the sadness and bitterness towards God, life, everything, creeping in. If you are one who has experienced depression and deep loss - you know what this is like. It's like a dark cloud that comes over you and you feel you can do nothing to stop it.

     So I left church in the middle of the worship set (which my husband leads!) and as soon as my back was turned to anyone within a fifty foot radius I BURST into tears. They just flowed and I just let them. I got into my car and didn't know what to do. I wanted someone to talk with but who??? Everyone was either out-of-town or in church, etc. I felt in my heart the Holy Spirit "whisper", "Katy, bring it to me."

     "YOU?! Why would I want to do that!?!? You are the reason I'm in this mess - why I'm so sad! YOU could have done something to save Malachi and Jonah, but NO you didn't! Why would I come to you?!"

     "Because I'm the only One that can truly heal you, that truly knows your pain, that loves you purely."

     "I know Lord, but I'm so mad at you! At this whole situation! That I am so sad."

     "Bring it to me. Your load is heavy, but Mine is light. I will carry it for you, bring it to Me. (Matthew 11:30)

     Sniff. Sniff. "Okay". How about coffee at Starbucks and we talk on the patio over a Grande, half-caf (better if I'm pregnant), skinny cafe misto?"

     I am being totally honest with you when I say I wasn't sure that I would feel much better after spending this time with the Lord, but He lifted my sorrow and filled me with peace beyond what I could have imagined. I have been reading Angie Smith's new book "I Will Carry You" about her grieving through the loss of her precious baby girl, Audrey. It is a great book and I highly recommend it if you are dealing with a similar situation. You can read about it here. Anyway, in the book she talks about the death (and later resurrection) of Lazurus and the way that Mary and Martha respond as well as how Jesus responds. I decided to spend some time with these scriptures in John and I am so thankful the Holy Spirit spoke Truth to me through it (which I shouldn't be surprised as His Word says He will!). I'll share a little bit here, but I encourage you to spend some time with the Holy Spirit and see what He has to say to you about it.

     Here are the high-lights:
- Jesus was very close to Mary, Martha, and Lazurus, all of whom are brother and sisters
- Mary and Martha sent a message to Jesus that Lazurus was dying
- Jesus stayed 2 more days even though it would take Him 1 day to travel to Lazurus
- Jesus loved them, so why did He delay?
- When He found out that Lazurus had died, Jesus said that He was glad for the sake of His followers so that we will believe.
- Martha ran to Jesus and said, "If You had been here, my brother would not have died" (Wow! How many times have I said something like that about my babies! "You could have saved them, but now it's too late!)
- Jesus replied that Lazurus would rise again, however, Martha had trouble believing Him.
- Then Mary ran to Jesus and fell at His feet weeping. She invited Him into her pain saying, "Come and see" and Jesus was so deeply moved that he too began to weep. (Jesus weeps with us in our pain as well and wants us to bring our pain to His feet).

     You know how the rest of the story goes, Jesus told the women to roll the stone of Lazurus' grave away and once again Martha did not believe, telling Jesus that the stench of him being dead for 4 days would be too much. (Oh, how I see myself in Martha!!!). Jesus replied, "Did I not say that if you believe you will see the glory of God?" Did they ever!!! They rolled the stone away and Lazurus came out of the tomb in response to Jesus calling him. He was still wrapped in the burial clothes.

     There is something different on the other side of that "stone" for each of us. God didn't save my babies and He has not yet given us another child. There have been many other times that the Lord did work a miracle for us, but not this time. Jesus doesn't promise the miracle, but He does promise that we will see the "glory of God". What does that mean? Ultimately, Heaven, but I believe there will be smaller glimpses of His Glory throughout our lives (John 10:10 - "I have come that you might have life (present tense) and have it more abundantly). What will that Glory be? I have no idea. But I know that this whole stinkin' situation will glorify Him in some way.

"Not to us, Oh Lord,

Not to us, but to

Your Name be the Glory, 

because of Your Unfailing Love and Faithfulness."

Psalm 155:1

It really is best when I bring my sorrow to Him!!!