Learning

Whoa! It's been awhile since I've written! How are you doing out there??? I hope well!

I've been learning so much lately. I've been learning more about what it really means to follow Christ. To not just say that He is my Everything, but to really live it. He's stripped me of a lot of my "comforts" lately (my job, my home, my friends and close proximity to my family), he's allowed two of Judd and my babies to go to Heaven instead of being here on Earth with us (which is much better for them), and He's even been silent as to whether or not it's His Plan for Judd and I to be parents in the future.

I've known in my head that I am to be thankful for everything. I've been taught and said that I believe that God works everything for good for those that love Him and are called according to His purpose. I've read that suffering is good and that we are to join with Christ in suffering. I "know" that God uses suffering to produce good things in us and through us. But now I've been given a chance to believe it in action and not just by knowledge.

It's been so tough to say this, but I'm learning to say, "Not my way, but Your Way, Lord." Even if it means I'll never have kids. Even if it means you're going to keep moving Judd and I around. Even if it means we'll never have the home that we envisioned we'd have. Even if I never get to quit my job to stay at home and raise a family.

No matter what. You are worthy, Lord.

I always knew that God asked these types of things from people, but kind-of always assumed it was for the "ultra-spiritual" or for the people in the Bible. Never for me. But yes, it's for me.

I am learning to say: You are enough to fulfill me for the rest of my life. I am thankful for what you have given me in your grace and mercy, and even if you take everything away from me, You are enough.

It's a constant battle. A daily surrender. Taking my thoughts captive and allowing God to use others, including a Biblical Counselor, to help me keep proper prospective. I'm finding His Grace is sufficient for me and that His Power is perfect in my weakness, because I am so weak.

Here are the lyrics to a song that sums up what God is teaching me (the internet here is pretty slow so I can't post a video).

P.S. - Please don't leave a comment that says "Good job Katy" or "I'm so proud of you Katy" in response to this post. I'm learning to surrender my desire to have kids and am struggling with jealousy of others with children. I don't want the positive comments of others in this area of surrender to tempt me to replace my jealousy with pride that I am "giving up so much." I hope that makes sense and doesn't sound too terrible!

"You Can Have Me" by Sidewalk Prophets (My thoughts are in parenthesis.)

"If I saw You on the street
And You said come and follow me
But I had to give up everything (isn't that what He asks us to be willing to do?)
All I once held dear and all of my dreams
Would I love You enough to let go (of having a baby)
Or would my love run dry
When You asked for my life

When did love become unmoving?
When did love become unconsuming?
Forgetting what the world has told me (that I deserve a family, beautiful home, the American Dream)
Father of love, You can have me
You can have me

If You’re all You claim to be
Then I’m not losing anything
So I will crawl upon my knees
Just to know the joy of suffering (the joy comes from knowing Him more deeply)
I will love You enough to let go
Lord, I give you my life
I give you my life

When did love become unmoving?
When did love become unconsuming?
Forgetting what the world has told me
Father of love, You can have me
You can have me

I want to be where You are
I’m running into Your arms
And I will never look back
So Jesus, here is my heart

When did love become unmoving?
When did love become unconsuming?
Forgetting what the world has told me
Father of love, You can have me
You can have me

When did love become unmoving?
When did love become unconsuming?
Forgetting what the world has told me
Father of love, You can have me
My Father, my love
You can have me"



Behind the Song:
"You Can Have Me contains a line that sums up the entire song, “I will crawl upon my knees, just to know the joy of suffering.” Like the woman from the gospels that traveled, pushed, and crawled through mud just to touch the hem of Christ’s robe, we are desperate for a faith strong enough to give everything to Him. In the journey, through the pain, there is a joy that is made clear. James 1:3 says, "Consider it pure JOY, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds..." And James 1:12 sums it all up by proclaiming, "blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him." Somewhere along the line, love has become a cliché, “unmoving,” unconsuming.” This song is our response to that tarnish that we have placed on love and is a rededication of our all to Christ." - Sidewalk Prophets