Don't Give Up

Hello! This is going to be a short post because it's late and I need to get some sleep before school tomorrow, but I want to share something that the Lord gave to me for encouragement this past weekend that really helped me to keep going when I wanted so badly to quit.

I don't know how you respond to stress and pressure but for me, it is NOT pretty. I can become so overwhelmed that I just want to quit! No . . . it's more like I want to lie down and die. The anxiety and the stress from my present circumstances drive me to despair and tempt me to totally lose hope that God has good plans that He is currently working out in my life.

I really hit a low this weekend and knew I had to get into the word (read the Bible) to get any relief at all (I've learned the hard way that NOTHING helps me whenever I get down like this except for God's living, breathing, active Word). My Biblical Counselor assigned Hebrews 12 as one of the scriptures to read over this past week. I've begun reading "The Message" version of the Bible in addition to my regular Bible recently because I LOVE the spin it puts on the verses I've come so accustom to reading a certain way. It's brought so much freshness into some of my favorite scriptures. I LOVE the way it puts the following verses in Hebrews chapter 12:

Hebrews 12

Discipline in a Long-Distance Race

^1-3Do you see what this means—all these pioneers who blazed the way, all these veterans cheering us on? It means we'd better get on with it. Strip down, start running—and never quit! No extra spiritual fat, no parasitic sins. Keep your eyes on Jesus, who both began and finished this race we're in. Study how he did it. Because he never lost sight of where he was headed—that exhilarating finish in and with God—he could put up with anything along the way: Cross, shame, whatever. And now he's there, in the place of honor, right alongside God. When you find yourselves flagging in your faith, go over that story again, item by item, that long litany of hostility he plowed through. That will shoot adrenaline into your souls!

^4-11In this all-out match against sin, others have suffered far worse than you, to say nothing of what Jesus went through—all that bloodshed! So don't feel sorry for yourselves. Or have you forgotten how good parents treat children, and that God regards you as his children?

My dear child, don't shrug off God's discipline,
but don't be crushed by it either.
It's the child he loves that he disciplines;
the child he embraces, he also corrects.
God is educating you; that's why you must never drop out. He's treating you as dear children. This trouble you're in isn't punishment; it's training, the normal experience of children. Only irresponsible parents leave children to fend for themselves. Would you prefer an irresponsible God? We respect our own parents for training and not spoiling us, so why not embrace God's training so we can truly live? While we were children, our parents did what seemed best to them. But God is doing what is best for us, training us to live God's holy best. At the time, discipline isn't much fun. It always feels like it's going against the grain. Later, of course, it pays off handsomely, for it's the well-trained who find themselves mature in their relationship with God.

^12-13So don't sit around on your hands! No more dragging your feet! Clear the path for long-distance runners so no one will trip and fall, so no one will step in a hole and sprain an ankle. Help each other out. And run for it!

^14-17Work at getting along with each other and with God. Otherwise you'll never get so much as a glimpse of God. Make sure no one gets left out of God's generosity. Keep a sharp eye out for weeds of bitter discontent. A thistle or two gone to seed can ruin a whole garden in no time. Watch out for the Esau syndrome: trading away God's lifelong gift in order to satisfy a short-term appetite. You well know how Esau later regretted that impulsive act and wanted God's blessing—but by then it was too late, tears or no tears."

There is SOOO much in this passage that I LOVE but the Holy Spirit really focused my heart in the on the "Esau syndrome" part. When reading the notes at the bottom of the page in my regular bible this really became applicable to me. It says:

"The readers (of Hebrews) were thinking of compromising their faith in order to gain relief from persecution. But to trade their spiritual birthright for temporary ease in this world would deprive them of Christ's blessing."

That definitely describes me so often than I care to admit! God has placed me in this time of trouble, but He has promised that it is not in vain. That it is necessary to make me whole and complete. That these temporary circumstances are vital to the plot of the story He is writing. 1 Peter 1: 6&7 "In this you greatly rejoice, even though for now for a little while, if necessary, you have been distressed by various trials, so that the proof of your faith, being more precious than gold which is perishable, even though tested by fire, may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ.

The Message version says :" ^6-7I know how great this makes you feel, even though you have to put up with every kind of aggravation in the meantime. Pure gold put in the fire comes out of it proved pure; genuine faith put through this suffering comes out proved genuine. When Jesus wraps this all up, it's your faith, not your gold, that God will have on display as evidence of his victory." (See what I mean about a fresh spin!?!)

I don't want to be diagnosed with the spiritually fatal "Esau Syndrome" (you can read his story in Genesis 27). I don't want to give up for temporary relief from my troubles (or what seems like relief by being angry, etc.)! I don't want to miss out on what God is doing and the good things for which He is preparing me. I want to be faithful and I want to be whole.

So, I have to believe that just like the Lord didn't remove Paul's "thorn" from him but said that He Grace is sufficient, God's Grace is sufficient for me as well.

I'm NOT giving up!!! God's Grace is enough to get me through and to bring me peace in the midst of this storm!!! Thank you SO much Jesus for making this possible through your suffering!

Thanks for reading! This post turned out to be MUCH longer than I expected! Ha!

In His Hands,

Katy :)

Visit with Walkbridge Way

Judd and I were so excited to spend some time with our SC neighbors (they are still our neighbors until we sell the house!!!) right after Christmas (I know! I'm late!)! We only had about 24 hours and Jason and Russ were both working at the Irmo fire station the night we were there, so we all went to the fire station! Everyone chipped in for our spaghetti dinner and it was so much fun!!! Everyone is doing really well and it was fun to see Lily with her little baby bump (due in June, I think)!

Everyone that could make it: Starting from the left and going around the table clockwise - Lily, Candice, Tim, April, Jen, Russ, a firefighter that I can't remember his name (so sorry!), Matt, Michelle, Stacia, Brent, and Judd:

Michelle and I:

Lily and I:

Matt and Michelle:

Jason and Candice:

Tim and Judd:

Judd and Jason:

Myself, Candice and Stacia: I look huge next to them! Haha!

Candice and I:

Jason and Russ:

Making a house a home: More Progress on the Apartment

Wow! It's been another month since I've posted! What's been going on? Well, Judd and I have gotten more done on the apartment! It looks SOOO much better and feels so much more like home! I feel really good about staying here until our home sells back in SC. We have truly been blessed and just like the Lord always does - He provided just what we need! You can see for yourself:

View from the kitchen:

Back Porch: The back yard/side yard has orange trees!

When you walk in the front door: Art from a local artist in SC

Front door to screen front "porch" that stays open as much as possible!

Mud "room" / where we drop our stuff when we come home and give ourselves one more look before we leave. Ha!

View to the kitchen: We have to keep our bikes inside to keep the humidity from rusting them.

Living Room with our entertaining "entertainment" center: Lol!

So there you have it! We are SOOO blessed to have a great and affordable place to live until our home sells. I am definitely not going to show you the two bedrooms! Haha! I don't know if this is the same with you all, but our room is ALWAYS the last to get love and attention! Maybe in the future . . .

Hope you all are doing well and enjoying the warmer weather! May you take captive your thoughts to the Lord Jesus and enjoy the peace knowing Him brings each day!

Love,

Katy :)

Learning

Whoa! It's been awhile since I've written! How are you doing out there??? I hope well!

I've been learning so much lately. I've been learning more about what it really means to follow Christ. To not just say that He is my Everything, but to really live it. He's stripped me of a lot of my "comforts" lately (my job, my home, my friends and close proximity to my family), he's allowed two of Judd and my babies to go to Heaven instead of being here on Earth with us (which is much better for them), and He's even been silent as to whether or not it's His Plan for Judd and I to be parents in the future.

I've known in my head that I am to be thankful for everything. I've been taught and said that I believe that God works everything for good for those that love Him and are called according to His purpose. I've read that suffering is good and that we are to join with Christ in suffering. I "know" that God uses suffering to produce good things in us and through us. But now I've been given a chance to believe it in action and not just by knowledge.

It's been so tough to say this, but I'm learning to say, "Not my way, but Your Way, Lord." Even if it means I'll never have kids. Even if it means you're going to keep moving Judd and I around. Even if it means we'll never have the home that we envisioned we'd have. Even if I never get to quit my job to stay at home and raise a family.

No matter what. You are worthy, Lord.

I always knew that God asked these types of things from people, but kind-of always assumed it was for the "ultra-spiritual" or for the people in the Bible. Never for me. But yes, it's for me.

I am learning to say: You are enough to fulfill me for the rest of my life. I am thankful for what you have given me in your grace and mercy, and even if you take everything away from me, You are enough.

It's a constant battle. A daily surrender. Taking my thoughts captive and allowing God to use others, including a Biblical Counselor, to help me keep proper prospective. I'm finding His Grace is sufficient for me and that His Power is perfect in my weakness, because I am so weak.

Here are the lyrics to a song that sums up what God is teaching me (the internet here is pretty slow so I can't post a video).

P.S. - Please don't leave a comment that says "Good job Katy" or "I'm so proud of you Katy" in response to this post. I'm learning to surrender my desire to have kids and am struggling with jealousy of others with children. I don't want the positive comments of others in this area of surrender to tempt me to replace my jealousy with pride that I am "giving up so much." I hope that makes sense and doesn't sound too terrible!

"You Can Have Me" by Sidewalk Prophets (My thoughts are in parenthesis.)

"If I saw You on the street
And You said come and follow me
But I had to give up everything (isn't that what He asks us to be willing to do?)
All I once held dear and all of my dreams
Would I love You enough to let go (of having a baby)
Or would my love run dry
When You asked for my life

When did love become unmoving?
When did love become unconsuming?
Forgetting what the world has told me (that I deserve a family, beautiful home, the American Dream)
Father of love, You can have me
You can have me

If You’re all You claim to be
Then I’m not losing anything
So I will crawl upon my knees
Just to know the joy of suffering (the joy comes from knowing Him more deeply)
I will love You enough to let go
Lord, I give you my life
I give you my life

When did love become unmoving?
When did love become unconsuming?
Forgetting what the world has told me
Father of love, You can have me
You can have me

I want to be where You are
I’m running into Your arms
And I will never look back
So Jesus, here is my heart

When did love become unmoving?
When did love become unconsuming?
Forgetting what the world has told me
Father of love, You can have me
You can have me

When did love become unmoving?
When did love become unconsuming?
Forgetting what the world has told me
Father of love, You can have me
My Father, my love
You can have me"



Behind the Song:
"You Can Have Me contains a line that sums up the entire song, “I will crawl upon my knees, just to know the joy of suffering.” Like the woman from the gospels that traveled, pushed, and crawled through mud just to touch the hem of Christ’s robe, we are desperate for a faith strong enough to give everything to Him. In the journey, through the pain, there is a joy that is made clear. James 1:3 says, "Consider it pure JOY, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds..." And James 1:12 sums it all up by proclaiming, "blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him." Somewhere along the line, love has become a cliché, “unmoving,” unconsuming.” This song is our response to that tarnish that we have placed on love and is a rededication of our all to Christ." - Sidewalk Prophets

Thank You

I cannot thank you enough for your encouragement, prayers, and kind words! Oh, how I need them right now!!! I know that I have SO much to be thankful for and I need to depend upon other people more than ever. There's just so much that I'm questioning right now. It's so good to hear your stories of trial and pain, and to see where you all are now. There's a part of me that believes that I'll continue to get bad news from here on out. I almost don't believe that anything good COULD happen. I'm afraid to hope.

I remember back in January when Judd and I had been trying for about 9 months to get pregnant again after our miscarriage in April 2009. I had some unusual pain and bleeding and the doctor wanted me to take a pregnancy test. I did and it was positive (which was cRaZy because I'd had a "regular" period two weeks prior)! For a moment I allowed myself to hope, "This could be it! The doctors could save this pregnancy and this could be our baby!" It wasn't, as you know.

We went straight to the doctor, got blood work and progesterone supplements (because they suspected my body didn't make enough on its own and that may have contributed to our miscarriage), and I was on bed rest for a couple of days. Long story short, I didn't just lose that baby (through miscarriage again) but it was something even worse. The baby implanted in my left Fallopian tube. I was bleeding because the baby ruptured my tube! I had to have emergency surgery in Colorado (my doc in SC thought I was miscarrying and said it was safe to go on the trip anyway, what?!?!!!), lost our 2nd baby, one of my tubes, and half of our fertility. Because I still have both ovaries, my body still alternates ovulation each month from side to side, except I only have one tube that works. That means we only have 6 months out of a year that we can get pregnant IF I am ovulating (and with all of the stress, who knows?).

SO, you can understand why my outlook is glum and my faith is pretty rocked. How could God not only take another baby but in a much worse way and half of our chances??? It makes me think of when God told one of the guys in the Old Testament to reduce Israel's army down from something like 10,000 to 300 before they went to battle. God wanted to show them it was HIS power that would win the battle, not theirs and maybe that's what He is doing with us. I hope so . . .

I have A LOT of questions to work out with the Lord. Judd and I are going to ask another couple at our new church to begin meeting with us on a regular basis to help us sort through some of this stuff. I'm hopeful that this will help.

Thank you again for your support and love! Maybe I'm too open on my blog. I know I am, but isn't that what blogging is all about? Telling your story? That's what I'm determined to do. Share this story - the good, the bad, and the very, very ugly.

God bless and thank you again!

Katy :)

I have SO FAR to go!

I'm SO not the person that I know God wants me to be. I'm not the person that Judd needs me to be. I'm certainly not the person that I would want raising my future children! I don't know why I'm having such a hard time dealing with all of the challenges and disappointments in my life right now. But I am. I really, really am.

Totally Miserable

This totally isn't me! I feel like a totally different person, but I can't even begin to express to you how miserable I am. It sounds so awful, but there's no other way to describe it. I wish I could just depend upon the Lord's strength and I do most days but then I have these days where I totally break down and don't think I can carry on. Why am I so miserable?

1. My husband and I moved to Southwest Florida almost 3 months ago. Our closest family is 2 1/2 hours away and is one of Judd's brothers. Our parents and all of our friends are either in Atlanta, GA or Columbia, SC. We don't have the support here that we had in Columbia, so it makes this time of transition extra difficult.

2. I am TOTALLY stressed out at my job. I left 4.2 years of teaching Resource (students with mild learning, emotional, behavioral, etc. disabilities) to teach 2nd grade general education and I am really struggling with it! People always told me that Special Education is so tough, but I think it was a lot easier than what I'm doing now!!! On top of the placement change, I'm in a school district that performance groups the kids, teaches SRA Reading Mastery full-time to the "lower" classes, and I got the class with the majority of 2nd grade "repeaters". The Principal doesn't allow us to have recess, I don't get to teach SS or SCI, and my class has some of the worst behavior problems in the school! One kid was almost exported back to Haiti last year because he was so bad!!! I do my best everyday, staying until 5:00, 6:00, or even 7:00 at night, but still feel like I'm failing miserably and on top of all of that, I have an assistant Principal who is in charge of observing me and rarely has anything positive to say about me. The school is under so much pressure to get an "A" again this year, and we have so much stacked against us - 97% free and reduced lunch, and majority minority population (mostly Latino). I've broken down crying a few times at school and I don't know how much more I can take!!!

3. We are still not pregnant and have NO idea if or when it will ever happen. We continue to congratulate those around us with their happy news of their 1st, 2nd, and even 3rd babies. We'd love to adopt, but don't know when we'll be ready. I can't even get myself together right now!

4. I am really missing our house back home. I miss our neighbors, being able to leave our door unlocked when we go down the street, and I REALLY miss having a dish washer. Because Judd and I are rarely home these days and are having trouble keeping up with the house on top of our duties at work, we have resorted to using disposable EVERYTHING. I know it's terrible for the environment but it's only for a short period of time, and makes our lives a little easier. I am SO thankful that we have a place to stay, which is RENT FREE through January thanks to an amazing anonymous person from our new church. I'm just missing our home.

5. I came down with the stomach bug, went to school anyway because someone from the district office was coming to demonstrate a math lesson in my room, planned on leaving right after the lesson, but they couldn't find a sub to cover my class. In between running out of the classroom to hit the restroom, I got some work together and split them among the other 2nd grade teachers. I'm still out sick today and they couldn't find anyone to cover my class so my kids are in other rooms again today. Am I the only one that thinks this is totally insane?!?!

6. Judd and I can't go home for Christmas this year. Christmas is on a Saturday and we have Saturday night service at our church. Judd doesn't want to get anyone to cover for him because he's so new at the job. Plus, who wants to cover on Christmas?!?! So, we'll be in this place that I don't really like right now, alone, and thinking (whether or not we want to) about how we are all alone with no children (our 2 are in heaven). I just don't think I'm going to handle this very well at all!

I really, truly, honestly, don't know what to do!!! I feel so badly for Judd. He had a rough time in SC but handled it so well. I had great experiences there and now I am the one that is having such a tough time. I don't know if I can just "put on a happy face". I'm not really that kind-of person. I've always worn my emotions on my sleeves and that's something very difficult to change. I keep waiting for God to swoop in and make everything okay . . .