Decision . . . for now

Thank you all so much for your sweet comments of encouragement and wisdom!!! I thought I better share what we decided since I asked you all for advice! Haha!

Judd and I talked and have decided that we will track days and fertility signs, but not temperatures because it's can be too easy for me to become obsessive and to misread the numbers. That's just me. Everyone has to do what they think the Holy Spirit is leading them to do. Judd is keeping up with it on a really cool app on his iphone called My Mate. It tracks cycle days, etc., as well as special dates, sizes, favorites, etc. Really a cool thing for husbands especially, although honestly, Judd is really great about those things and doesn't really even need the app! :) Love you babe!

We're going to do this for two more months. I know it doesn't seem like very long, but we've been at this for 8 months since the loss of Jonah and the surgery and almost two years total. If God has not opened the door by the end of December for a baby naturally, then we'll begin the adoption process. We're not quite sure how we will pay for it yet, but if this is what God is leading us to do, we know HE will provide, and if not, we won't. Plain and simple. We are not going to pursue a Fertility Doctor at this point because the insurance that I now get through my FL school district covers 0% of infertility costs versus the 70% that was covered in SC. So, we feel that God has definitely shut that door for now.

Thank you all SO SO much for your prayers. I am trying SO hard to surrender my desires everyday. I wrote this in my journal last week:
"I wish I didn't want.
It feels so wrong when I think about all God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit have done for me.
That should be enough. It is!
SO MUCH MORE!
So why, why do I long for something more?
Why am I not forever content?
How does God want me to feel?"

I really wish I could just be content with Judd and I, and our ministries through community, church, and school. I feel so selfish that I'm not. I pray that God will just take this desire away or fulfill it so I don't have to wrestle with it any longer. I pray for all of you out there that are waiting as well.

Last night, our new church had a women's gathering called "Illuminate". The speaker, Desiree, read a couple of lines from a books called "Stuff Christians Like". It mentioned that even though as Christians we know and await the 2nd coming of Christ and the end of this current world (which includes the end of suffering, hunger, evil sadness, etc.), there are things that we want to "get in" before it happens. As if, Christ coming before we were able to do those things, would be really upsetting and cause us to feel that we missed out on something really special or important. When we really think about that, we are elevating that thing above Christ.

I don't want to do that! I want to keep everything in proper perspective. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you for your prayers and support! I am praying for SO many of you out there as well!

I know that God says He won't give you more than you can handle, but do you ever feel like you are playing the childhood game of "mercy" with Him and as your circumstances get worse and harder you cry out "Mercy! Mercy! Mercy! I've had all that I can take! No more!" But he doesn't stop? In times like these I know I have to trust Him and not in His Ways. It's tough. Very tough.

Love you all and praying for you!!!!
Katy :)

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