It hurts but I wish it didn't

I wish it didn't hurt when others announce their pregnancies. I feel like such a selfish person.

I see their ultrasound pictures and all I can think about is that my ultrasounds have never been for happy reasons.

1. I started spotting and went in at 7 weeks with our first baby to find out that our baby's heart rate was very low and that the baby might not make it.
2. Had an ultrasound after the miscarriage to make sure I didn't need a D&C and thank you Lord that I didn't.
3. Was told I had another miscarriage.
4. Doctor in Colorado saw a large mass outside my left ovary. It was an 8-week old baby that had implanted in my tube and already ruptured it. Was told I needed emergency surgery immediately to prevent too much loss of blood.
5. Fertility doctor checked to see if everything looked good before beginning Clomid.

Would the Lord allow me to experience so many sad ultrasound experiences and never a good one? I'm searching His Character so much right now. There is an incredible book called, "The Prisoner in the Third Cell", that describes how John the Baptist may have felt when the Messiah he so anxiously awaited and gave his life for didn't arrive and act the ways John had anticipated. Before ever seeing Jesus crucified and resurrected, John was beheaded.

There is an AMAZING chapter that describes how Jesus may have felt and thought towards John. Jesus wanted so badly to explain His mysterious ways to John, but was unable to. My favorite line from Jesus to John is: "Blessed are you if you do not take offense with Me." (Paraphrased - I can't remember it exactly. This is historical fiction, not scriptural.)

I am so often "offended" by God because I don't understand His Ways. Things don't seem "fair" although our sin towards God isn't fair, and Christ leaving God's side in Heaven to live on Earth as a man only to be hated and crucified and then take on the wrath of God for the world isn't fair.

Why do we think we are owed or deserve things? I want to release this desire and submit it to the Lord's Will. I seek to do it everyday and still I must continue to do so. Why do we lay things down only to pick them up again?

I deserve nothing at the very least and quite honestly I deserve Hell. I've been given SO MUCH in Christ!!!! Praise You Lord!!! Please help me to keep my heart and mind focused on Your Truth - not the lies I am so tempted to buy into to.

In His Hands,
Katy

Philippians 4:8 (New Living Translation)
"And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise."

Philippians 4:6-8 (The Message)
6-7Don't fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life.

8-9Summing it all up, friends, I'd say you'll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious—the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse. Put into practice what you learned from me, what you heard and saw and realized. Do that, and God, who makes everything work together, will work you into his most excellent harmonies.