I totally forgot about this day because of being so busy with my first week of teaching at my new school! I still wanted to post something in honor of it thought. So here it is:
Park City Utah
4 years ago
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Saturday, October 16, 2010
To Chart or Not to Chart???
So . . . charting again may be a good thing but I just can't decide because it seems like taking everything into my own hands. When we got pregnant in March 2009 we weren't "trying" but were on a skiing vaca in Breckenridge, CO. I never expected to lose the baby and we still have no clue as to why. The docts. had some ideas but nothing very clear. The docts. did find out that I have a genetic mutation and that I need to take baby aspirin everyday to thin my blood and extra Folic Acid and Vitamin B (when I say extra, I mean like 5 times what regular preggo women take). The doct. also found out that Judd has hypo-thyroidism and he is on synthyroid for that.
We tried for 9 months with charting after the first loss and it was almost more than I could handle. The sorrow coupled with the stress, sent me into a deep depression and I began seeing a counselor and taking anti-depressants. Christmas Eve of 2009 we got pregnant again but never knew it. I had a regular period and no positive pregnancy tests until 1/2 way through my next cycle. I began to bleed heavily around day 14 and when I took a test it was positive. Our doctor, Judd and I thought I was miscarrying again so she said it was okay for us to leave the next day for our annual ski trip out west. However, while in CO, I began to have severe pain and went in to the emergency room. Turned out the baby was still there, had implanted in my left fallopian tube and had burst my tube! I was at risk of going into shock and dying at any moment. After emergency surgery, Judd and I had lost our 2nd baby and half my fertility chances. Now we continue on knowing that even if I ovulate, it may be on my left side where there is no tube for the sperm to access the egg. So, we keep trying each month believing it will take a miracle from God and feeling that He is letting us down each time.
When we charted before it felt like we were trying to control it too much. As if we weren't surrendering to the Lord's control. However, my cycles have become very erratic and it is hard for us to time everything; BUT should we even be "trying" at all?!?!
Girls, I need your help on this!!! What do you think?
In His Hands but unsure as to how much I need to do,
Katy :)
We tried for 9 months with charting after the first loss and it was almost more than I could handle. The sorrow coupled with the stress, sent me into a deep depression and I began seeing a counselor and taking anti-depressants. Christmas Eve of 2009 we got pregnant again but never knew it. I had a regular period and no positive pregnancy tests until 1/2 way through my next cycle. I began to bleed heavily around day 14 and when I took a test it was positive. Our doctor, Judd and I thought I was miscarrying again so she said it was okay for us to leave the next day for our annual ski trip out west. However, while in CO, I began to have severe pain and went in to the emergency room. Turned out the baby was still there, had implanted in my left fallopian tube and had burst my tube! I was at risk of going into shock and dying at any moment. After emergency surgery, Judd and I had lost our 2nd baby and half my fertility chances. Now we continue on knowing that even if I ovulate, it may be on my left side where there is no tube for the sperm to access the egg. So, we keep trying each month believing it will take a miracle from God and feeling that He is letting us down each time.
When we charted before it felt like we were trying to control it too much. As if we weren't surrendering to the Lord's control. However, my cycles have become very erratic and it is hard for us to time everything; BUT should we even be "trying" at all?!?!
Girls, I need your help on this!!! What do you think?
In His Hands but unsure as to how much I need to do,
Katy :)
Saturday, October 9, 2010
So what's your pain?
Do you ever look at other's lives and think that they have everything going for them? That nothing could possibly be wrong in their world?
Oh course you do, because that's just human nature. We fight against this and to surrender these untrue thoughts to the Lord all the time!
So, instead of us all thinking that everything is going perfectly well in everyone else's lives, I ask one question: What is causing you pain in this current season of your life?
There is a saying, "Misery loves company," and to an extent that's true. However, I like to look at it differently. First Corinthians 10:13 "The temptations in your life are no different from what others experience." Another translation says that the troubles that we deal with are "common to men." Do you find comfort in that? One has to wonder why this truth was included in the Bible, and since it brings me peace to know that I'm not alone in my pain, I think that may be the reason.
So, in an effort to feel not so alone during this difficult season, I ask the question again.
What is YOUR pain?
In His Hands,
Katy
Oh course you do, because that's just human nature. We fight against this and to surrender these untrue thoughts to the Lord all the time!
So, instead of us all thinking that everything is going perfectly well in everyone else's lives, I ask one question: What is causing you pain in this current season of your life?
There is a saying, "Misery loves company," and to an extent that's true. However, I like to look at it differently. First Corinthians 10:13 "The temptations in your life are no different from what others experience." Another translation says that the troubles that we deal with are "common to men." Do you find comfort in that? One has to wonder why this truth was included in the Bible, and since it brings me peace to know that I'm not alone in my pain, I think that may be the reason.
So, in an effort to feel not so alone during this difficult season, I ask the question again.
What is YOUR pain?
In His Hands,
Katy
Friday, October 8, 2010
It hurts but I wish it didn't
I wish it didn't hurt when others announce their pregnancies. I feel like such a selfish person.
I see their ultrasound pictures and all I can think about is that my ultrasounds have never been for happy reasons.
1. I started spotting and went in at 7 weeks with our first baby to find out that our baby's heart rate was very low and that the baby might not make it.
2. Had an ultrasound after the miscarriage to make sure I didn't need a D&C and thank you Lord that I didn't.
3. Was told I had another miscarriage.
4. Doctor in Colorado saw a large mass outside my left ovary. It was an 8-week old baby that had implanted in my tube and already ruptured it. Was told I needed emergency surgery immediately to prevent too much loss of blood.
5. Fertility doctor checked to see if everything looked good before beginning Clomid.
Would the Lord allow me to experience so many sad ultrasound experiences and never a good one? I'm searching His Character so much right now. There is an incredible book called, "The Prisoner in the Third Cell", that describes how John the Baptist may have felt when the Messiah he so anxiously awaited and gave his life for didn't arrive and act the ways John had anticipated. Before ever seeing Jesus crucified and resurrected, John was beheaded.
There is an AMAZING chapter that describes how Jesus may have felt and thought towards John. Jesus wanted so badly to explain His mysterious ways to John, but was unable to. My favorite line from Jesus to John is: "Blessed are you if you do not take offense with Me." (Paraphrased - I can't remember it exactly. This is historical fiction, not scriptural.)
I am so often "offended" by God because I don't understand His Ways. Things don't seem "fair" although our sin towards God isn't fair, and Christ leaving God's side in Heaven to live on Earth as a man only to be hated and crucified and then take on the wrath of God for the world isn't fair.
Why do we think we are owed or deserve things? I want to release this desire and submit it to the Lord's Will. I seek to do it everyday and still I must continue to do so. Why do we lay things down only to pick them up again?
I deserve nothing at the very least and quite honestly I deserve Hell. I've been given SO MUCH in Christ!!!! Praise You Lord!!! Please help me to keep my heart and mind focused on Your Truth - not the lies I am so tempted to buy into to.
In His Hands,
Katy
Philippians 4:8 (New Living Translation)
"And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise."
Philippians 4:6-8 (The Message)
6-7Don't fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life.
8-9Summing it all up, friends, I'd say you'll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious—the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse. Put into practice what you learned from me, what you heard and saw and realized. Do that, and God, who makes everything work together, will work you into his most excellent harmonies.
I see their ultrasound pictures and all I can think about is that my ultrasounds have never been for happy reasons.
1. I started spotting and went in at 7 weeks with our first baby to find out that our baby's heart rate was very low and that the baby might not make it.
2. Had an ultrasound after the miscarriage to make sure I didn't need a D&C and thank you Lord that I didn't.
3. Was told I had another miscarriage.
4. Doctor in Colorado saw a large mass outside my left ovary. It was an 8-week old baby that had implanted in my tube and already ruptured it. Was told I needed emergency surgery immediately to prevent too much loss of blood.
5. Fertility doctor checked to see if everything looked good before beginning Clomid.
Would the Lord allow me to experience so many sad ultrasound experiences and never a good one? I'm searching His Character so much right now. There is an incredible book called, "The Prisoner in the Third Cell", that describes how John the Baptist may have felt when the Messiah he so anxiously awaited and gave his life for didn't arrive and act the ways John had anticipated. Before ever seeing Jesus crucified and resurrected, John was beheaded.
There is an AMAZING chapter that describes how Jesus may have felt and thought towards John. Jesus wanted so badly to explain His mysterious ways to John, but was unable to. My favorite line from Jesus to John is: "Blessed are you if you do not take offense with Me." (Paraphrased - I can't remember it exactly. This is historical fiction, not scriptural.)
I am so often "offended" by God because I don't understand His Ways. Things don't seem "fair" although our sin towards God isn't fair, and Christ leaving God's side in Heaven to live on Earth as a man only to be hated and crucified and then take on the wrath of God for the world isn't fair.
Why do we think we are owed or deserve things? I want to release this desire and submit it to the Lord's Will. I seek to do it everyday and still I must continue to do so. Why do we lay things down only to pick them up again?
I deserve nothing at the very least and quite honestly I deserve Hell. I've been given SO MUCH in Christ!!!! Praise You Lord!!! Please help me to keep my heart and mind focused on Your Truth - not the lies I am so tempted to buy into to.
In His Hands,
Katy
Philippians 4:8 (New Living Translation)
"And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise."
Philippians 4:6-8 (The Message)
6-7Don't fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life.
8-9Summing it all up, friends, I'd say you'll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious—the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse. Put into practice what you learned from me, what you heard and saw and realized. Do that, and God, who makes everything work together, will work you into his most excellent harmonies.
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Sometimes I feel like I live in a different world than everybody else
Do you ever feel that way?
Like everyone seems to go along with the "normal" things of life that seem so easy for them or that happen in "due" time, but for some reason your life doesn't seem to be on track? My heart goes out to all of my single friends out there that are waiting so patiently (or seeking to at least, haha!) for the spouse God has for them, but the time just seems to tick by while everyone else (or what seems to be) goes along with their normal lives.
Don't we teach kids in school that when a man and a woman really love each other, they . . . and make a baby and in 9 months the baby is born? But what if that doesn't seem to be your reality? You begin to think to yourself, "No, no, no, silly, that may be where babies come from for you and the rest of the world, but not me. I don't live in that world. That doesn't happen for me."
That's kind-of how I feel some days. For me, in my world, babies don't live past 8 weeks, and I never have to "be careful" about what time of my cycle it is. At this point it seems like we're just waiting on the stork to drop our baby at our doorstep. Maybe that's what God has planned for us - Adoption. It would be a beautiful thing and I know that God provides. Anybody wanna help us pay for it? Haha!
I know God will provide and that He has not left or forsaken me. (Hebrews 13:5) I know that if He doesn't intend on granting us the desires of our hearts, He'll remove the desire and replace it with a new one. (Psalm 37:4) I know that God's plans are better than I can ever dream or imagine (Ephesians 3:20).
But tonight, I just feel very different. Welcome to Planet Infertility and Pregnancy Loss.
In HIS Hands,
Katy
Like everyone seems to go along with the "normal" things of life that seem so easy for them or that happen in "due" time, but for some reason your life doesn't seem to be on track? My heart goes out to all of my single friends out there that are waiting so patiently (or seeking to at least, haha!) for the spouse God has for them, but the time just seems to tick by while everyone else (or what seems to be) goes along with their normal lives.
Don't we teach kids in school that when a man and a woman really love each other, they . . . and make a baby and in 9 months the baby is born? But what if that doesn't seem to be your reality? You begin to think to yourself, "No, no, no, silly, that may be where babies come from for you and the rest of the world, but not me. I don't live in that world. That doesn't happen for me."
That's kind-of how I feel some days. For me, in my world, babies don't live past 8 weeks, and I never have to "be careful" about what time of my cycle it is. At this point it seems like we're just waiting on the stork to drop our baby at our doorstep. Maybe that's what God has planned for us - Adoption. It would be a beautiful thing and I know that God provides. Anybody wanna help us pay for it? Haha!
I know God will provide and that He has not left or forsaken me. (Hebrews 13:5) I know that if He doesn't intend on granting us the desires of our hearts, He'll remove the desire and replace it with a new one. (Psalm 37:4) I know that God's plans are better than I can ever dream or imagine (Ephesians 3:20).
But tonight, I just feel very different. Welcome to Planet Infertility and Pregnancy Loss.
In HIS Hands,
Katy
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
I'm not gonna lie
Judd and I made it to the end of another cycle with negative results (don't know what I was thinkin'! We aren't "trying"! Guess I thought that MAYBE since we weren't, it might happen - Isn't that what everyone says???) and I'm sad. Trying to fight the "baby blues" of a different source. Trusting that God has not left me, still has good plans (baby or not), and is here with me in my pain.
In HIS Hands,
Katy
In HIS Hands,
Katy
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Pythons, and Gators, and Gator fans!?! OH MY!!!
Judd and I are moving to Southwest Florida! Ft. Myers, Florida to be exact. We are SO excited yet so sad as well. It will be hard to leave the amazing people we have grown to love so, here in Columbia, SC. Our neighbors have been SUCH an INCREDIBLE blessing!!! The Lord definitely had a plan when he placed us here! We are so excited about what God has done and continues to do in each one of your lives! Thank you for living life with us, even after seeing us at our worst. :)
We will also dearly miss our church family here! Thank you all SO much for your love and support the past three years! Thank you for putting up with Judd when his hair was 9 feet long! Haha! Thanks for being there for Judd and I as we faced some of the most difficult events in our lives with the loss of our 2 unborn babies. Thank you for worshipping with us each week and for stepping out of your comfort zones, trusting a young man, to follow more closely and intimately after our Lord. Thank you.
I will also miss the Faculty and Staff at BOTH of the incredible schools I have had the pleasure of working at here in Columbia - Carolina Springs Elementary and River Springs Elementary. Thank you for trusting me with your students. Thank you for putting up with all of the extra paperwork I asked you to do. Thank you for attending more IEP meetings than you ever hoped you would! Thank you for sharing yourselves with me and thank you for teaching me. Thank you for being so much more than co-workers but friends, who lifted me up through some very difficult experiences and who are my cheerleaders as Judd and I continue on this Infertility journey.
Thank you! I'm so thankful that because of our hope and trust in Jesus, we are not just friends here on Earth, but will be for eternity. That when you make a friend in Christ, that bond never breaks no matter the distance.
All I have to say now is - Thank the Lord for Facebook and blogs!!!
We will be sure to keep you all posted with the blog and on Facebook. The church we are going to is AMAZING and we are SO excited about what God has in store there! If you are interested in checking it out the website is: http://www.summitlife.com/
Love you all!
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