Part of me is inspired, the other part is just plain mad!

It's a little easier for her to be thankful. She had a baby already (so she didn't have to experience that awful nagging question: "Will my body EVER be able to carry a baby?) and is already expecting another one after the miscarriage! There is no way she could understand the pain that can come with Infertility AND Miscarriage. People that think they understand and don't, make me so mad even though I know it shouldn't and they are just trying to show that they care. Sigh.

My raw, honest message to a hurting friend about pain and God

Hi ---,

I'm so glad you sent a message and that you didn't have to have d and c. It's good that the physical part of it is over now. I get the medicine. I probably need to start taking mine more regularly but I don't want to. That will be a tough conversation with ---- and I'm so sorry that you have to have it. :( I want so many good things for you -----! I hate that you've had to go through so much. I'm still forming my opinions about life and God and pain, but I'd like to believe that God loves us and will use the pain of those that know Him for something good in our lives. I know that's what the Bible says and I've always believed it. I've just been struggling in my relationship with God lately.

I don't think I've ever told you my story about my relationship with God. I hope you don't mind me sharing. If so, you can stop reading now. :)

My parents always took me and got involved in a Bible teaching church in GA and when I was 8 I decided that I wanted to ask God into my life by admitting that I wasn't a perfect person and couldn't ever be "good enough" to earn my way to Heaven, trusting in Jesus's death and resurrection - believing He did it to forgive me and allow me to have a relationship with God, and asking Him to be the boss of my life. I think I understood it as much as an 8 year can. For me it was really all about going to Heaven, and not very related to my everyday life (not that an 8 year old has much of a "life". Haha!

At 16, I realized that a relationship with God was so much more than just a ticket to Heaven, but something I could have on a daily basis. A friend that never leaves me. Someone that always loves me no matter what. I decided I wanted to invite Him or really to accept His invitation to have that kind of relationship and ask Him to be in control of my life.

Life was pretty good for awhile. I really enjoyed learning more about God through the Bible and felt encouraged and safe in my relationship with Him. I went through the regular tough stuff like break-ups and fights in friendships, but nothing too major. In college, I felt that God wanted me to be a Special Education Teacher and met Judd my husband through a Christian group on campus. He wanted to do music for Churches full-time and I thought it would be really cool to work so closely with churches while having my own "thing" with teaching.

We got married and I taught a year in GA before we moved to SC. I taught 2 years in Lex. 1 and loved it but we were living in Chapin and I wanted to be closer to home for when we had a baby. I got pregnant while teaching in Lex. 1 but lost the baby at 7 weeks. It was really tough because everyone at my school found out that I was pregnant when I had to run out of an IEP meeting to throw up! They were all really supportive and it was tough to follow through with my decision to move to Lex 5.

RSES turned out to be SO GREAT! It feels like I was there for 5 years, not 1 and a few months! You know what happened there with my 2nd baby. :(

Now, I've followed Judd down here and am working at a school that frustrates me so much! I hate that we don't have our own place but can't do much about it until we sell our home in SC. I'm watching friends younger than me have 1st and 2nd and 3rd babies and wondering why God let my babies die. Why He hasn't provided Judd and I with a healthy baby. We had fertility testing and nothing major is wrong at all, just a couple of little things that we can take meds. for.

I tell you all of this because pain sucks. I wish I could tell you that God will take all of your pain away, but it's not true. He just makes the pain less lonely and promises that if you give your life to Him, he'll work all of it together for good somehow. I'm hanging on by a thread, but that's what I want to keep believing. I guess that's what faith is, huh?

Anyway, that was an extremely long message! I'm praying for you ---- everyday! Tell everyone hello for me. We'll both take our meds. together and when you need someone that feels miserable as well to talk to - give me a call. :)

In His Hands,
Katy

Pets, Family, Bronte, and Bubble Room

So this is going to be an incredibly random post, but here's an update about our lives:

1. Our two year old cat unexpectantly died about a week before we moved to Fort Myers. He really was more like a neighborhood cat than just ours as he frequented everyone's homes on a regular basis: found his way through doggie doors, visited the neighborhood bar as "the bar cat", took rides in people's cars to the Chapin Mexican restaurant, etc. Our neighbors were so sweet about Sue's passing and even had a Sue-morial for him. Here it is below if you want a good laugh!





Sue Wright

2. While interviewing at Summit Church, our brother (Judd's brother, my brother-in-law) and his girlfriend Molly, came down to visit from Tampa. She was having some contractions but wasn't due for a couple of weeks. I kept joking that Bronte (Joseph Charles Wright III) would arrive that weekend so Judd and I could be there and sure enough he did!!! I could probably do an entire post on Bronte's story. As you can see in the pictures below, the doctors thought Bronte had a heart condition when we was first born. After a few days in the NICU and some tests, the defect they saw on the ultrasound was completely healed and he was able to go home with no surgery!!!! Such a miracle! Thank you Lord!!!

The Day before Bronte was born:



You could see Tampa Bay from the hospital room:


About a month later. Our first weekend living in FL.



3. My parents, Karen and her Fiance, Scott, came to visit for one last weekend in Columbia before we moved. Karen had recently finished her years worth of "puppy walking" Kyle, a dog in training for the Blind Society. Kyle has recently graduated from school in NY and has been paired with a disabled person. Now, Karen is co-training a new puppy - Ariel. Such a doll!!!



4. Russ and Patty (Judd and my "roomies" when we first moved to Cola and ministry partners/brother and sister in Christ) came to visit us last weekend!!!! They stayed near Sanibel Island and came to Summit Saturday night and Sunday Morning. We spent the afternoon on Sunday on Sanibel and Captiva Islands and finished the night at a wacky restaurant on Captiva called the Bubble Room. It was recommended to us by a friend and was amazing but we were pretty scared to eat there when we first drove up and walked in!






Hope you are having a great weekend and have a wonderful week!!!!

In His Hands,
Katy :)

North Pole

So the culture in Southwest Florida is different from Georgia and South Carolina as you would imagine. Many of the kids here have never experienced snow (which I find sort-of sad) and a lot of the adults came here to avoid the snow. Haha! Here is a funny conversation I had with my students this week:

Me: Have a wonderful long weekend everyone. Monday is a Hurricane Make-Up Day so we won't be coming to school.
Student: What?! We're going to have a hurricane on Monday?!?!
Me: No, no, no. Hurricane Season is over, but if we had a hurricane earlier in the school year and missed school because of it we would have to come on Monday. Where I came from, we didn't have Hurricane Make-Up Days, but Snow and Ice Days.
Student: Did you live at the North Pole?!?!
Me: No! I lived north of FL, but not THAT far north!

Haha! Love it!!!!

Decision . . . for now

Thank you all so much for your sweet comments of encouragement and wisdom!!! I thought I better share what we decided since I asked you all for advice! Haha!

Judd and I talked and have decided that we will track days and fertility signs, but not temperatures because it's can be too easy for me to become obsessive and to misread the numbers. That's just me. Everyone has to do what they think the Holy Spirit is leading them to do. Judd is keeping up with it on a really cool app on his iphone called My Mate. It tracks cycle days, etc., as well as special dates, sizes, favorites, etc. Really a cool thing for husbands especially, although honestly, Judd is really great about those things and doesn't really even need the app! :) Love you babe!

We're going to do this for two more months. I know it doesn't seem like very long, but we've been at this for 8 months since the loss of Jonah and the surgery and almost two years total. If God has not opened the door by the end of December for a baby naturally, then we'll begin the adoption process. We're not quite sure how we will pay for it yet, but if this is what God is leading us to do, we know HE will provide, and if not, we won't. Plain and simple. We are not going to pursue a Fertility Doctor at this point because the insurance that I now get through my FL school district covers 0% of infertility costs versus the 70% that was covered in SC. So, we feel that God has definitely shut that door for now.

Thank you all SO SO much for your prayers. I am trying SO hard to surrender my desires everyday. I wrote this in my journal last week:
"I wish I didn't want.
It feels so wrong when I think about all God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit have done for me.
That should be enough. It is!
SO MUCH MORE!
So why, why do I long for something more?
Why am I not forever content?
How does God want me to feel?"

I really wish I could just be content with Judd and I, and our ministries through community, church, and school. I feel so selfish that I'm not. I pray that God will just take this desire away or fulfill it so I don't have to wrestle with it any longer. I pray for all of you out there that are waiting as well.

Last night, our new church had a women's gathering called "Illuminate". The speaker, Desiree, read a couple of lines from a books called "Stuff Christians Like". It mentioned that even though as Christians we know and await the 2nd coming of Christ and the end of this current world (which includes the end of suffering, hunger, evil sadness, etc.), there are things that we want to "get in" before it happens. As if, Christ coming before we were able to do those things, would be really upsetting and cause us to feel that we missed out on something really special or important. When we really think about that, we are elevating that thing above Christ.

I don't want to do that! I want to keep everything in proper perspective. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you for your prayers and support! I am praying for SO many of you out there as well!

I know that God says He won't give you more than you can handle, but do you ever feel like you are playing the childhood game of "mercy" with Him and as your circumstances get worse and harder you cry out "Mercy! Mercy! Mercy! I've had all that I can take! No more!" But he doesn't stop? In times like these I know I have to trust Him and not in His Ways. It's tough. Very tough.

Love you all and praying for you!!!!
Katy :)

PS - If you are a regular reader, don't be afraid to follow my blog officially. I would LOVE to know who you are and how to pray for you!

Light a candle on Oct. 15 for babies lost to miscarriage or stillbirth

I totally forgot about this day because of being so busy with my first week of teaching at my new school! I still wanted to post something in honor of it thought. So here it is:

To Chart or Not to Chart???

So . . . charting again may be a good thing but I just can't decide because it seems like taking everything into my own hands. When we got pregnant in March 2009 we weren't "trying" but were on a skiing vaca in Breckenridge, CO. I never expected to lose the baby and we still have no clue as to why. The docts. had some ideas but nothing very clear. The docts. did find out that I have a genetic mutation and that I need to take baby aspirin everyday to thin my blood and extra Folic Acid and Vitamin B (when I say extra, I mean like 5 times what regular preggo women take). The doct. also found out that Judd has hypo-thyroidism and he is on synthyroid for that.

We tried for 9 months with charting after the first loss and it was almost more than I could handle. The sorrow coupled with the stress, sent me into a deep depression and I began seeing a counselor and taking anti-depressants. Christmas Eve of 2009 we got pregnant again but never knew it. I had a regular period and no positive pregnancy tests until 1/2 way through my next cycle. I began to bleed heavily around day 14 and when I took a test it was positive. Our doctor, Judd and I thought I was miscarrying again so she said it was okay for us to leave the next day for our annual ski trip out west. However, while in CO, I began to have severe pain and went in to the emergency room. Turned out the baby was still there, had implanted in my left fallopian tube and had burst my tube! I was at risk of going into shock and dying at any moment. After emergency surgery, Judd and I had lost our 2nd baby and half my fertility chances. Now we continue on knowing that even if I ovulate, it may be on my left side where there is no tube for the sperm to access the egg. So, we keep trying each month believing it will take a miracle from God and feeling that He is letting us down each time.

When we charted before it felt like we were trying to control it too much. As if we weren't surrendering to the Lord's control. However, my cycles have become very erratic and it is hard for us to time everything; BUT should we even be "trying" at all?!?!

Girls, I need your help on this!!! What do you think?

In His Hands but unsure as to how much I need to do,
Katy :)