Learning

Whoa! It's been awhile since I've written! How are you doing out there??? I hope well!

I've been learning so much lately. I've been learning more about what it really means to follow Christ. To not just say that He is my Everything, but to really live it. He's stripped me of a lot of my "comforts" lately (my job, my home, my friends and close proximity to my family), he's allowed two of Judd and my babies to go to Heaven instead of being here on Earth with us (which is much better for them), and He's even been silent as to whether or not it's His Plan for Judd and I to be parents in the future.

I've known in my head that I am to be thankful for everything. I've been taught and said that I believe that God works everything for good for those that love Him and are called according to His purpose. I've read that suffering is good and that we are to join with Christ in suffering. I "know" that God uses suffering to produce good things in us and through us. But now I've been given a chance to believe it in action and not just by knowledge.

It's been so tough to say this, but I'm learning to say, "Not my way, but Your Way, Lord." Even if it means I'll never have kids. Even if it means you're going to keep moving Judd and I around. Even if it means we'll never have the home that we envisioned we'd have. Even if I never get to quit my job to stay at home and raise a family.

No matter what. You are worthy, Lord.

I always knew that God asked these types of things from people, but kind-of always assumed it was for the "ultra-spiritual" or for the people in the Bible. Never for me. But yes, it's for me.

I am learning to say: You are enough to fulfill me for the rest of my life. I am thankful for what you have given me in your grace and mercy, and even if you take everything away from me, You are enough.

It's a constant battle. A daily surrender. Taking my thoughts captive and allowing God to use others, including a Biblical Counselor, to help me keep proper prospective. I'm finding His Grace is sufficient for me and that His Power is perfect in my weakness, because I am so weak.

Here are the lyrics to a song that sums up what God is teaching me (the internet here is pretty slow so I can't post a video).

P.S. - Please don't leave a comment that says "Good job Katy" or "I'm so proud of you Katy" in response to this post. I'm learning to surrender my desire to have kids and am struggling with jealousy of others with children. I don't want the positive comments of others in this area of surrender to tempt me to replace my jealousy with pride that I am "giving up so much." I hope that makes sense and doesn't sound too terrible!

"You Can Have Me" by Sidewalk Prophets (My thoughts are in parenthesis.)

"If I saw You on the street
And You said come and follow me
But I had to give up everything (isn't that what He asks us to be willing to do?)
All I once held dear and all of my dreams
Would I love You enough to let go (of having a baby)
Or would my love run dry
When You asked for my life

When did love become unmoving?
When did love become unconsuming?
Forgetting what the world has told me (that I deserve a family, beautiful home, the American Dream)
Father of love, You can have me
You can have me

If You’re all You claim to be
Then I’m not losing anything
So I will crawl upon my knees
Just to know the joy of suffering (the joy comes from knowing Him more deeply)
I will love You enough to let go
Lord, I give you my life
I give you my life

When did love become unmoving?
When did love become unconsuming?
Forgetting what the world has told me
Father of love, You can have me
You can have me

I want to be where You are
I’m running into Your arms
And I will never look back
So Jesus, here is my heart

When did love become unmoving?
When did love become unconsuming?
Forgetting what the world has told me
Father of love, You can have me
You can have me

When did love become unmoving?
When did love become unconsuming?
Forgetting what the world has told me
Father of love, You can have me
My Father, my love
You can have me"



Behind the Song:
"You Can Have Me contains a line that sums up the entire song, “I will crawl upon my knees, just to know the joy of suffering.” Like the woman from the gospels that traveled, pushed, and crawled through mud just to touch the hem of Christ’s robe, we are desperate for a faith strong enough to give everything to Him. In the journey, through the pain, there is a joy that is made clear. James 1:3 says, "Consider it pure JOY, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds..." And James 1:12 sums it all up by proclaiming, "blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him." Somewhere along the line, love has become a cliché, “unmoving,” unconsuming.” This song is our response to that tarnish that we have placed on love and is a rededication of our all to Christ." - Sidewalk Prophets

Thank You

I cannot thank you enough for your encouragement, prayers, and kind words! Oh, how I need them right now!!! I know that I have SO much to be thankful for and I need to depend upon other people more than ever. There's just so much that I'm questioning right now. It's so good to hear your stories of trial and pain, and to see where you all are now. There's a part of me that believes that I'll continue to get bad news from here on out. I almost don't believe that anything good COULD happen. I'm afraid to hope.

I remember back in January when Judd and I had been trying for about 9 months to get pregnant again after our miscarriage in April 2009. I had some unusual pain and bleeding and the doctor wanted me to take a pregnancy test. I did and it was positive (which was cRaZy because I'd had a "regular" period two weeks prior)! For a moment I allowed myself to hope, "This could be it! The doctors could save this pregnancy and this could be our baby!" It wasn't, as you know.

We went straight to the doctor, got blood work and progesterone supplements (because they suspected my body didn't make enough on its own and that may have contributed to our miscarriage), and I was on bed rest for a couple of days. Long story short, I didn't just lose that baby (through miscarriage again) but it was something even worse. The baby implanted in my left Fallopian tube. I was bleeding because the baby ruptured my tube! I had to have emergency surgery in Colorado (my doc in SC thought I was miscarrying and said it was safe to go on the trip anyway, what?!?!!!), lost our 2nd baby, one of my tubes, and half of our fertility. Because I still have both ovaries, my body still alternates ovulation each month from side to side, except I only have one tube that works. That means we only have 6 months out of a year that we can get pregnant IF I am ovulating (and with all of the stress, who knows?).

SO, you can understand why my outlook is glum and my faith is pretty rocked. How could God not only take another baby but in a much worse way and half of our chances??? It makes me think of when God told one of the guys in the Old Testament to reduce Israel's army down from something like 10,000 to 300 before they went to battle. God wanted to show them it was HIS power that would win the battle, not theirs and maybe that's what He is doing with us. I hope so . . .

I have A LOT of questions to work out with the Lord. Judd and I are going to ask another couple at our new church to begin meeting with us on a regular basis to help us sort through some of this stuff. I'm hopeful that this will help.

Thank you again for your support and love! Maybe I'm too open on my blog. I know I am, but isn't that what blogging is all about? Telling your story? That's what I'm determined to do. Share this story - the good, the bad, and the very, very ugly.

God bless and thank you again!

Katy :)

I have SO FAR to go!

I'm SO not the person that I know God wants me to be. I'm not the person that Judd needs me to be. I'm certainly not the person that I would want raising my future children! I don't know why I'm having such a hard time dealing with all of the challenges and disappointments in my life right now. But I am. I really, really am.

Totally Miserable

This totally isn't me! I feel like a totally different person, but I can't even begin to express to you how miserable I am. It sounds so awful, but there's no other way to describe it. I wish I could just depend upon the Lord's strength and I do most days but then I have these days where I totally break down and don't think I can carry on. Why am I so miserable?

1. My husband and I moved to Southwest Florida almost 3 months ago. Our closest family is 2 1/2 hours away and is one of Judd's brothers. Our parents and all of our friends are either in Atlanta, GA or Columbia, SC. We don't have the support here that we had in Columbia, so it makes this time of transition extra difficult.

2. I am TOTALLY stressed out at my job. I left 4.2 years of teaching Resource (students with mild learning, emotional, behavioral, etc. disabilities) to teach 2nd grade general education and I am really struggling with it! People always told me that Special Education is so tough, but I think it was a lot easier than what I'm doing now!!! On top of the placement change, I'm in a school district that performance groups the kids, teaches SRA Reading Mastery full-time to the "lower" classes, and I got the class with the majority of 2nd grade "repeaters". The Principal doesn't allow us to have recess, I don't get to teach SS or SCI, and my class has some of the worst behavior problems in the school! One kid was almost exported back to Haiti last year because he was so bad!!! I do my best everyday, staying until 5:00, 6:00, or even 7:00 at night, but still feel like I'm failing miserably and on top of all of that, I have an assistant Principal who is in charge of observing me and rarely has anything positive to say about me. The school is under so much pressure to get an "A" again this year, and we have so much stacked against us - 97% free and reduced lunch, and majority minority population (mostly Latino). I've broken down crying a few times at school and I don't know how much more I can take!!!

3. We are still not pregnant and have NO idea if or when it will ever happen. We continue to congratulate those around us with their happy news of their 1st, 2nd, and even 3rd babies. We'd love to adopt, but don't know when we'll be ready. I can't even get myself together right now!

4. I am really missing our house back home. I miss our neighbors, being able to leave our door unlocked when we go down the street, and I REALLY miss having a dish washer. Because Judd and I are rarely home these days and are having trouble keeping up with the house on top of our duties at work, we have resorted to using disposable EVERYTHING. I know it's terrible for the environment but it's only for a short period of time, and makes our lives a little easier. I am SO thankful that we have a place to stay, which is RENT FREE through January thanks to an amazing anonymous person from our new church. I'm just missing our home.

5. I came down with the stomach bug, went to school anyway because someone from the district office was coming to demonstrate a math lesson in my room, planned on leaving right after the lesson, but they couldn't find a sub to cover my class. In between running out of the classroom to hit the restroom, I got some work together and split them among the other 2nd grade teachers. I'm still out sick today and they couldn't find anyone to cover my class so my kids are in other rooms again today. Am I the only one that thinks this is totally insane?!?!

6. Judd and I can't go home for Christmas this year. Christmas is on a Saturday and we have Saturday night service at our church. Judd doesn't want to get anyone to cover for him because he's so new at the job. Plus, who wants to cover on Christmas?!?! So, we'll be in this place that I don't really like right now, alone, and thinking (whether or not we want to) about how we are all alone with no children (our 2 are in heaven). I just don't think I'm going to handle this very well at all!

I really, truly, honestly, don't know what to do!!! I feel so badly for Judd. He had a rough time in SC but handled it so well. I had great experiences there and now I am the one that is having such a tough time. I don't know if I can just "put on a happy face". I'm not really that kind-of person. I've always worn my emotions on my sleeves and that's something very difficult to change. I keep waiting for God to swoop in and make everything okay . . .

Thanksgiving 2010

Thanksgiving this year started off a little bittersweet for a couple of reasons. First, Judd and I recently moved to Southwest Florida and were not able to make it home to Atlanta, GA to be with our parents like we have for the past 4 years of our marriage and the 23 years before that. Second, it marks the ending of another year during which we lost another baby. I say Thanksgiving "started off a little bittersweet" because God has a way of taking something that we think is going to be one way and revealing to us how good His plans always turn out to be.

So, we ended up traveling only 2 1/2 hours north to Tampa to spend Thanksgiving with Judd's brother, Joe, his girlfriend, Molly, and their almost 3 month old baby, Bronte, aka Joseph Charles Wright III, aka Brontesaurus. Joe and Molly were so sweet to open up their home to us, and Molly was so sweet to invite us to spend Thanksgiving with her family. We were even able to bring our "child", Amos, and had a blast watching him play with Joe and Molly's dogs, Elvis and Cinderella. We were able to spend some time taking care of Bronte and really enjoyed getting to know Molly more and seeing where her and Joe spend their days. It turned out to be an amazing Thanksgiving and we wouldn't trade that time for the world. Here is a glimpse of our time together:

Judd and Bronte: Judd was so good with him!

Sweet Baby Boy

Amos made a great traveling companion. Ha!

Elvis in his Thanksgiving best

Joe did a great job carving the turkey.

Elvis settled into "his" chair after the big meal.

Elvis Wright, Cinderella Wright, and Amos Moses Wright had a great time chasing the ball and swimming in the pool. I'll always laugh when I think of Amos running into Elvis and them both falling into the pool! Lol!

I hope you all had wonderful Thanksgivings!!! Leave a comment and let Judd and I know how your's went.

In His Hands,

Katy :)

It is a test we all hope to pass, but none of us want to take.

Is that not so true?

We want to believe that we will choose to trust in who God is and not in what He does or doesn't do. That we will be happy just with God alone if:

1. We never marry.

2. We never have kids.

3. People very close to us pass away.

4. We lose everything financially and are in suffocating debt.

5. Lose our health.

6. (Any dreadful scenario we imagine but BEG God never allows to be true of our lives.)

But will we ever know until He does?

Some of us will never have to find out. We will never be faced with any of these difficult situations. We will just continue hoping that we WOULD pass the test, but never REALLY have to take the test to find out.

While others, will take one, maybe two of the things on the list, and others maybe all of them.

Shattered Dreams

Right or wrong, I grew up believing that dreams generally come true and that things generally work out. Maybe it's because I was born in America to a middle-class family with two parents that are believers in Christ and raised me to believe. Maybe it's because I was born on 3rd base and had pretty much everything going for me compared to the majority of people around the world. Maybe it's because most of my dreams have come true: did well in school, had great friends, participated in great activities, graduate with a degree in education from a good school, married a wonderful man in the ministry, have had the honor to see God do awesome things in and through us, etc., etc., etc. Maybe it's because I've read too many Fairy Tales.

But . . .

the more that God allows this season of Judd and my life to be prolonged and the more He seems to actually be turning up the heat instead of wrapping things up into a nice little bow, I'm beginning to question this belief.

This book:

was brought to my attention recently and after reading these quotes:

"It's hard to hear, but it is important to know that God is not committed to supporting our ministries, to preventing our divorces, to preserving our health, to straightening out our kids (or to giving us kids- katy's words), to providing a livable income, to ending famine, to protecting us from agonizing problems that generate in our souls an experience that feels like death (which is what I feel like quite often)."

"We cannot count on God to arrange what happens in our lives in ways that will make us feel good."

"We can count on God to patiently remove all the obstacles to our enjoyment of Him. He is committed to our joy, and we can depend on Him to give us enough of a taste of that joy and enough hope that the best is still ahead to keep us going in spite of how much pain continues to plague our hearts."

and these summarizing points:

1. The goal is that God be glorified in us, not that He be useful to us. Crabb says that we have taken the "Holy God of Passionate Wrath," and turned Him into the "Helpful God of Useful Principles." One thought that occurred to me in this regard is that Crabb makes the case that what we need to repent of is our desire for God to make us feel good and give us a sense of well-being. If this is the case, many probably need to re-examine their "salvation experience," since many in our day come to Christ because He has been presented to them as the "useful God." Come to Christ - He is useful to get you out of hell and into heaven, come to Christ, He is useful to give you a happy life, etc., etc.. Could it be that the Christ that many have allegedly "accepted" is not the Christ of the Bible, and could this explain why so many who have allegedly "accepted" Christ fall away? If nothing else, this insight from Crabb should cause all who name the name of Christ to re-examine their hearts to see what kind of "Christ" they are naming.

2. God is committed to bringing us the greatest joy possible, however such joy is only found in Him. Therefore, He allows, and even causes, us to have our most cherished dreams shattered in order that we will quit hoping in them and find our joy in Him.

3. Though we can now claim to be the bride of Christ, we live in the betrothal period of our relationship. The wedding feast of the lamb is yet to come - the relationship has not been consummated yet. Therefore, though we are secure in our relationship with Christ we cannot and will not ever feel as close to Him on earth as we long to. There is distance in the betrothal period that is not present once the wedding has taken place. God feels hidden from us because to a large extent He is hidden from us.

I think there may be something in this book for me.

Katy