So what's your pain?

Do you ever look at other's lives and think that they have everything going for them? That nothing could possibly be wrong in their world?

Oh course you do, because that's just human nature. We fight against this and to surrender these untrue thoughts to the Lord all the time!

So, instead of us all thinking that everything is going perfectly well in everyone else's lives, I ask one question: What is causing you pain in this current season of your life?

There is a saying, "Misery loves company," and to an extent that's true. However, I like to look at it differently. First Corinthians 10:13 "The temptations in your life are no different from what others experience." Another translation says that the troubles that we deal with are "common to men." Do you find comfort in that? One has to wonder why this truth was included in the Bible, and since it brings me peace to know that I'm not alone in my pain, I think that may be the reason.

So, in an effort to feel not so alone during this difficult season, I ask the question again.

What is YOUR pain?

In His Hands,
Katy

It hurts but I wish it didn't

I wish it didn't hurt when others announce their pregnancies. I feel like such a selfish person.

I see their ultrasound pictures and all I can think about is that my ultrasounds have never been for happy reasons.

1. I started spotting and went in at 7 weeks with our first baby to find out that our baby's heart rate was very low and that the baby might not make it.
2. Had an ultrasound after the miscarriage to make sure I didn't need a D&C and thank you Lord that I didn't.
3. Was told I had another miscarriage.
4. Doctor in Colorado saw a large mass outside my left ovary. It was an 8-week old baby that had implanted in my tube and already ruptured it. Was told I needed emergency surgery immediately to prevent too much loss of blood.
5. Fertility doctor checked to see if everything looked good before beginning Clomid.

Would the Lord allow me to experience so many sad ultrasound experiences and never a good one? I'm searching His Character so much right now. There is an incredible book called, "The Prisoner in the Third Cell", that describes how John the Baptist may have felt when the Messiah he so anxiously awaited and gave his life for didn't arrive and act the ways John had anticipated. Before ever seeing Jesus crucified and resurrected, John was beheaded.

There is an AMAZING chapter that describes how Jesus may have felt and thought towards John. Jesus wanted so badly to explain His mysterious ways to John, but was unable to. My favorite line from Jesus to John is: "Blessed are you if you do not take offense with Me." (Paraphrased - I can't remember it exactly. This is historical fiction, not scriptural.)

I am so often "offended" by God because I don't understand His Ways. Things don't seem "fair" although our sin towards God isn't fair, and Christ leaving God's side in Heaven to live on Earth as a man only to be hated and crucified and then take on the wrath of God for the world isn't fair.

Why do we think we are owed or deserve things? I want to release this desire and submit it to the Lord's Will. I seek to do it everyday and still I must continue to do so. Why do we lay things down only to pick them up again?

I deserve nothing at the very least and quite honestly I deserve Hell. I've been given SO MUCH in Christ!!!! Praise You Lord!!! Please help me to keep my heart and mind focused on Your Truth - not the lies I am so tempted to buy into to.

In His Hands,
Katy

Philippians 4:8 (New Living Translation)
"And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise."

Philippians 4:6-8 (The Message)
6-7Don't fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life.

8-9Summing it all up, friends, I'd say you'll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious—the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse. Put into practice what you learned from me, what you heard and saw and realized. Do that, and God, who makes everything work together, will work you into his most excellent harmonies.

Sometimes I feel like I live in a different world than everybody else

Do you ever feel that way?

Like everyone seems to go along with the "normal" things of life that seem so easy for them or that happen in "due" time, but for some reason your life doesn't seem to be on track? My heart goes out to all of my single friends out there that are waiting so patiently (or seeking to at least, haha!) for the spouse God has for them, but the time just seems to tick by while everyone else (or what seems to be) goes along with their normal lives.

Don't we teach kids in school that when a man and a woman really love each other, they . . . and make a baby and in 9 months the baby is born? But what if that doesn't seem to be your reality? You begin to think to yourself, "No, no, no, silly, that may be where babies come from for you and the rest of the world, but not me. I don't live in that world. That doesn't happen for me."

That's kind-of how I feel some days. For me, in my world, babies don't live past 8 weeks, and I never have to "be careful" about what time of my cycle it is. At this point it seems like we're just waiting on the stork to drop our baby at our doorstep. Maybe that's what God has planned for us - Adoption. It would be a beautiful thing and I know that God provides. Anybody wanna help us pay for it? Haha!

I know God will provide and that He has not left or forsaken me. (Hebrews 13:5) I know that if He doesn't intend on granting us the desires of our hearts, He'll remove the desire and replace it with a new one. (Psalm 37:4) I know that God's plans are better than I can ever dream or imagine (Ephesians 3:20).

But tonight, I just feel very different. Welcome to Planet Infertility and Pregnancy Loss.

In HIS Hands,
Katy

I'm not gonna lie

Judd and I made it to the end of another cycle with negative results (don't know what I was thinkin'! We aren't "trying"! Guess I thought that MAYBE since we weren't, it might happen - Isn't that what everyone says???) and I'm sad. Trying to fight the "baby blues" of a different source. Trusting that God has not left me, still has good plans (baby or not), and is here with me in my pain.

In HIS Hands,
Katy

Pythons, and Gators, and Gator fans!?! OH MY!!!

Judd and I are moving to Southwest Florida! Ft. Myers, Florida to be exact. We are SO excited yet so sad as well. It will be hard to leave the amazing people we have grown to love so, here in Columbia, SC. Our neighbors have been SUCH an INCREDIBLE blessing!!! The Lord definitely had a plan when he placed us here! We are so excited about what God has done and continues to do in each one of your lives! Thank you for living life with us, even after seeing us at our worst. :)

We will also dearly miss our church family here! Thank you all SO much for your love and support the past three years! Thank you for putting up with Judd when his hair was 9 feet long! Haha! Thanks for being there for Judd and I as we faced some of the most difficult events in our lives with the loss of our 2 unborn babies. Thank you for worshipping with us each week and for stepping out of your comfort zones, trusting a young man, to follow more closely and intimately after our Lord. Thank you.

I will also miss the Faculty and Staff at BOTH of the incredible schools I have had the pleasure of working at here in Columbia - Carolina Springs Elementary and River Springs Elementary. Thank you for trusting me with your students. Thank you for putting up with all of the extra paperwork I asked you to do. Thank you for attending more IEP meetings than you ever hoped you would! Thank you for sharing yourselves with me and thank you for teaching me. Thank you for being so much more than co-workers but friends, who lifted me up through some very difficult experiences and who are my cheerleaders as Judd and I continue on this Infertility journey.

Thank you! I'm so thankful that because of our hope and trust in Jesus, we are not just friends here on Earth, but will be for eternity. That when you make a friend in Christ, that bond never breaks no matter the distance.

All I have to say now is - Thank the Lord for Facebook and blogs!!!

We will be sure to keep you all posted with the blog and on Facebook. The church we are going to is AMAZING and we are SO excited about what God has in store there! If you are interested in checking it out the website is: http://www.summitlife.com/

Love you all!

So how am I doing with trying not to try?

Well . . . not so good. At least last week was not so good.

Even after surrendering this desire to be a mom, it has remained a longing of my heart. Last week, I thought that meant God had abandoned me and was punishing me as he tortured with this crushing desire. This week I have a totally different perspective (Thank you Lord!).

"Infertility brings with it a set of temptations that are irresistible - the greatest of which is: trust your perceptions over God's promises." This quote DEFINITELY sums up my struggles last week (as well as much of the past year and a half). I have fallen into the temptation to despair, to doubt that God is good and has good plans for us. I have focused on the aspect of Him being in control and all powerful but forgot of His intense love for us that drove Him to sacrifice His Son. He knows what it's like to lose a child!

Thank you, Thank you, Thank you, for your patience with me all of my wonderful, incredible friends out there!!!! When I despair, I am not a fun person to know and I am so sorry for that.

This book:

has been AMAZING!!!!!! It's a great book (so far) and I highly recommend it (so far) to anyone going through a similar experience.

Here are some of my favorite quotes (so far, ha!):

Feeling Desperate
"It is human nature to feel desperate when we can't see a solution to a problem that will not leave us alone. And our desperation can sometimes lead to pointless, self-destructive or irrational acts."

"Periods, even moments, of inaction are a way to say "yes" to God's implicit questioning: Will you wait for Me? For My best? For My perfect timing?"

"Might it be that God is using your circumstances to prepare the way for a miracle? Do you believe that could be possible? Do you believe He even cares?"

Facing Defeat
"They have left behind the world of everyone who seems to conceive without trying, or discovers it has happened when we only started a few weeks ago! That world, and all its inhabitants, feels incredibly distant-unattainable and painfully desirable."

"You are not lost to God. He sees your struggle, He knows your heartache, and He longs to bless the seed of hope He planted in your heart."

"You are already pregnant with hope. That hope is a gift from the God who loves you and who longs to bless you beyond what you can ask or imagine (Ephesians 3:20). That hope will carry you through the journey you've already begun."

"The stories of our ancestors-our family of faith-reveal His character, His integrity, His purposefulness and His love. They demonstrate to us His consistency, His reliability, and His trustworthiness."

Asking "Why?"
"The misery brings with it a profound sense of isolation . . . you feel increasingly apart, chosen for suffering you do not understand. Separated from everything "normal."

"It may be that God brings us to this struggle, this head-on collision between the reality of childlessness and the limits of our faith, to show us that we don't actually trust Him. Not His love or His motives."


Thank you, Thank you, Thank you for your prayers and patience!!! I love you all!!!
Katy

How long?

How can something hurt this badly?

I feel as if my heart has been slowly and continually ripped out of my chest for the past year and a half.

How long will I have to bear this pain?

How long will I be on this roller coaster?

When will the longing,

the hurt,

the questioning,

the doubting,

the second guessing,

the stress,

the emptiness,

this aching desire last?

How long Lord? How long?