I'm not gonna lie

Judd and I made it to the end of another cycle with negative results (don't know what I was thinkin'! We aren't "trying"! Guess I thought that MAYBE since we weren't, it might happen - Isn't that what everyone says???) and I'm sad. Trying to fight the "baby blues" of a different source. Trusting that God has not left me, still has good plans (baby or not), and is here with me in my pain.

In HIS Hands,
Katy

Pythons, and Gators, and Gator fans!?! OH MY!!!

Judd and I are moving to Southwest Florida! Ft. Myers, Florida to be exact. We are SO excited yet so sad as well. It will be hard to leave the amazing people we have grown to love so, here in Columbia, SC. Our neighbors have been SUCH an INCREDIBLE blessing!!! The Lord definitely had a plan when he placed us here! We are so excited about what God has done and continues to do in each one of your lives! Thank you for living life with us, even after seeing us at our worst. :)

We will also dearly miss our church family here! Thank you all SO much for your love and support the past three years! Thank you for putting up with Judd when his hair was 9 feet long! Haha! Thanks for being there for Judd and I as we faced some of the most difficult events in our lives with the loss of our 2 unborn babies. Thank you for worshipping with us each week and for stepping out of your comfort zones, trusting a young man, to follow more closely and intimately after our Lord. Thank you.

I will also miss the Faculty and Staff at BOTH of the incredible schools I have had the pleasure of working at here in Columbia - Carolina Springs Elementary and River Springs Elementary. Thank you for trusting me with your students. Thank you for putting up with all of the extra paperwork I asked you to do. Thank you for attending more IEP meetings than you ever hoped you would! Thank you for sharing yourselves with me and thank you for teaching me. Thank you for being so much more than co-workers but friends, who lifted me up through some very difficult experiences and who are my cheerleaders as Judd and I continue on this Infertility journey.

Thank you! I'm so thankful that because of our hope and trust in Jesus, we are not just friends here on Earth, but will be for eternity. That when you make a friend in Christ, that bond never breaks no matter the distance.

All I have to say now is - Thank the Lord for Facebook and blogs!!!

We will be sure to keep you all posted with the blog and on Facebook. The church we are going to is AMAZING and we are SO excited about what God has in store there! If you are interested in checking it out the website is: http://www.summitlife.com/

Love you all!

So how am I doing with trying not to try?

Well . . . not so good. At least last week was not so good.

Even after surrendering this desire to be a mom, it has remained a longing of my heart. Last week, I thought that meant God had abandoned me and was punishing me as he tortured with this crushing desire. This week I have a totally different perspective (Thank you Lord!).

"Infertility brings with it a set of temptations that are irresistible - the greatest of which is: trust your perceptions over God's promises." This quote DEFINITELY sums up my struggles last week (as well as much of the past year and a half). I have fallen into the temptation to despair, to doubt that God is good and has good plans for us. I have focused on the aspect of Him being in control and all powerful but forgot of His intense love for us that drove Him to sacrifice His Son. He knows what it's like to lose a child!

Thank you, Thank you, Thank you, for your patience with me all of my wonderful, incredible friends out there!!!! When I despair, I am not a fun person to know and I am so sorry for that.

This book:

has been AMAZING!!!!!! It's a great book (so far) and I highly recommend it (so far) to anyone going through a similar experience.

Here are some of my favorite quotes (so far, ha!):

Feeling Desperate
"It is human nature to feel desperate when we can't see a solution to a problem that will not leave us alone. And our desperation can sometimes lead to pointless, self-destructive or irrational acts."

"Periods, even moments, of inaction are a way to say "yes" to God's implicit questioning: Will you wait for Me? For My best? For My perfect timing?"

"Might it be that God is using your circumstances to prepare the way for a miracle? Do you believe that could be possible? Do you believe He even cares?"

Facing Defeat
"They have left behind the world of everyone who seems to conceive without trying, or discovers it has happened when we only started a few weeks ago! That world, and all its inhabitants, feels incredibly distant-unattainable and painfully desirable."

"You are not lost to God. He sees your struggle, He knows your heartache, and He longs to bless the seed of hope He planted in your heart."

"You are already pregnant with hope. That hope is a gift from the God who loves you and who longs to bless you beyond what you can ask or imagine (Ephesians 3:20). That hope will carry you through the journey you've already begun."

"The stories of our ancestors-our family of faith-reveal His character, His integrity, His purposefulness and His love. They demonstrate to us His consistency, His reliability, and His trustworthiness."

Asking "Why?"
"The misery brings with it a profound sense of isolation . . . you feel increasingly apart, chosen for suffering you do not understand. Separated from everything "normal."

"It may be that God brings us to this struggle, this head-on collision between the reality of childlessness and the limits of our faith, to show us that we don't actually trust Him. Not His love or His motives."


Thank you, Thank you, Thank you for your prayers and patience!!! I love you all!!!
Katy

How long?

How can something hurt this badly?

I feel as if my heart has been slowly and continually ripped out of my chest for the past year and a half.

How long will I have to bear this pain?

How long will I be on this roller coaster?

When will the longing,

the hurt,

the questioning,

the doubting,

the second guessing,

the stress,

the emptiness,

this aching desire last?

How long Lord? How long?

Even Christ didn't get what He wanted

I know that sounds cRaZy, but honestly it's true. Jesus is our example, our model, our goal. Before He was about to be killed and take the punishment of the sins of all mankind and have His Father turn His back on Him, He begged (to the point that His sweat became like drops of blood) and prayed, "Abba! Father! All things are possible for You; remove this cup from Me; yet not what I will, but what You will." INCREDIBLE!!!! We all know that God did not answer Jesus' prayer, but in fact, Jesus did suffer the death that he so desired to pass from Him.

Now, I'm not about to compare myself to Jesus, but I have thought something along those lines but in a much less selfless way. It went something more like this . . . "Abba! Father! All things are possible for You so why won't You help me get pregnant?!?! Don't You love me?!? Don't You care?!?" Yeah, like Jesus, I acknowledge that God is able, but criticize Him for not doing what I wanted Him to do.

Jesus is our example for submission and obedience to God. Jesus didn't want to suffer (He was human and we all know humans hate to suffer!) however, He submitted to His Father's Will and all of humanity benefits from His obedience and God's Plan that yes, involved suffering.

So, could God's plan involve suffering for me? Absolutely!
Will God answer my prayer for a baby? Possibly not.
Does God have a plan that will ultimately result in His Glory and the good of others as well as myself? You bet!

And what is my role and responsibility? To love God with all of my heart, soul, mind, and strength and be obedient to His Will.

Yes, Sir! :) But only by with the help of Our Helper - The Holy Spirit! Thank you Lord!!!

So why am I giving up my desire to have a baby?

So the other night at one of our small group Bible studies, we watched an INCREDIBLE message by David Platt (here is a 2 minute summary-ish of his book "Radical")

In the video, David addresses the conversation Jesus has with a wealthy man in Matthew 19: 16 - 26. The "Rich Young Ruler" comes to Jesus and asks, "Teacher, what good thing shall I do that I may obtain eternal life?" The man wants to know what "good" things he can do to earn salvation. Jesus responds by saying that there is only One that is good (God), but if you want to TRY to be good (which we know now is impossible, but the people tried to earn their salvation through following all of the rules) follow all of the commandments. The man responds by saying that he has followed all of the commandments yet he is still missing something (for him it was about external conformity - he missed, as all of us do, that inner obedience was also required and no man can do this).

It says in verse 21 that Jesus knew the man didn't fully understand and felt love for him. Jesus also knew that the man's primary problem was his wealth standing in his way of committing himself fully to God. Therefore, Jesus tells him to "go and sell all your possessions and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, follow me." My Bible commentary, as well as David, say that Jesus didn't intend for this command to apply to all Christians. Having wealth is not in and of its self an evil thing, but it says in 1 Timothy 6:10 that "the love of money is the root of all kinds of evil. And some people, craving money, have wandered from the true faith and pierced themselves with many sorrows." Jesus knows our thoughts and hearts much better than we do and He knew what this man's problem was, so He asked the man to give it all up. My Bible commentary says "In giving away his wealth, the young man would have removed the obstacle that kept him from trusting in Jesus." Giving away his wealth wouldn't have saved him. The only thing that can save us is by turning away from controlling our own lives, and turning to Jesus for the forgiveness of our wrong doings against God and making Him in charge of our lives, however, he needed to get rid of his treasure here on Earth before he personally could do that.

So what did the man do? It says that he was saddened, and went away grieving. The man's tragic decision to turn away reflected a greater love for his possessions than for eternal life.

So what is getting in the way of you following Jesus? For me, it has been my will to have a baby on my terms. Does God ask everyone to give up the desire to have children? Oh course not! But in His divine wisdom, he knows what is keeping me from following Him fully and I have to give it up. And why does He want me to do this? Because He loves me and knows what I really need - HIm! Nothing is worth getting in the way of Him.

How about you?

Love to you! Katy :)

Surrender

This is going to sound really strange . . . but I've been learning a lot from the Duggar family lately (ya know, from 19 kids and Counting on TLC). Yes, I know that they are the TOTAL opposite of Judd and My life right now yet there is a truth, a very important one, that applies to us both, to us all really.

When the Duggars were first married, they decided to go on birth control because they weren't yet ready to have children. When they were ready, they had Josh and went back on the pill. Just like most of us (and I'm NOT saying that this is right or wrong - that is a totally personal decision and you have to do what's best for your family and what you feel the Lord is leading you to) they were trying to control that aspect of their lives and as I have learned this past year, we can't.

While on the pill the 2nd time, they became pregnant unexpectantly and later miscarried the baby, in this case, because of the hormones in the pill. They were so shaken by the possibility that something they were doing to control had resulted in something tragic. From that point on they surrendered this part of their lives to the Lord and 18 other children down the road, they are glad that they did!

So what does this have to do with Judd and I?????

Well, the same surrender but the most opposite possible result. As soon as this cycle is over, until the Holy Spirit leads us otherwise, we just want to live our lives without fertility intervention. We'll continue the medications we need to be healthy individually, but are not going to count days, take fertility drugs, etc. If the Lord desires for Judd and I to raise children, He will provide and lead us to do what we need to.

If not, I have surrendered that desire.

This life is not my own. I gave it up when I took Jesus' and I know down the road, children or not, we'll be glad we did!

Please, don't get me wrong! I'm not saying that we think fertility intervention is wrong. It is a wonderful gift that the Lord has provided to those of us whose bodies don't function the way they are supposed to due to this fallen world. And I'm not saying that Judd and I will never go back to have procedures to help us because we may if that's what God leads us to do. I'm just saying that we have to seek the Lord and be sensitive and obedient to what we feel the Holy Spirit is telling us, and Judd and I know that the stress from "trying" to have a baby is not producing Christlikeness in us. It is stressful on our relationship and easily becomes totally consuming for me. I want my life to be about obedience and submission to the Lord. He has never promised that Judd and I will have a child of our own. It's not our right. He is the Lord of our lives and I am learning to trust Him as the One that works everything together for our good (not for what we think is for our good).

Thanks SO much for baring with us through this difficult time in our lives!!!! We will need plenty of accountability in order to keep our hands lifted in open surrender! Not our will but Your's be done!

We are praying for all of you out there that are dealing with similar things! That you will know the Lord's desire for good in your lives and His great love for you even when you don't feel like it.

I have to choose to believe this everyday:
Jeremiah 29:11
"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."