Raw Honesty

I am not doing well right now. Not at all. The amount of crying I did yesterday must have qualified as Biblical proportions. I don't completely understand why. I'm thankful that God understands my thoughts and heart more than I do but I wish He would let me in on them right now. Here are some potential reasons I'm having such a tough time:

1. I feel isolated and alone. I feel like no one around me understands what I am going through (expect for "blog friend" but I don't really know them and don't get true support from them). I don't know how to cope without the support of others. I'm scared to talk to anyone about it because I don't want to rain on anyone's parade or bring them down. I scared that my pain makes people uncomfortable and I don't want to do that to them.

2. I'm scared and confused. How do I know it will all work out? What if it doesn't? What if this pain never goes away? The pain is the worst part - totally unbearable at times. I wish I could cut out the part of my heart that longs for a child and put it on hold until that time comes. If God doesn't provide Judd and I with a child, will He take away this pain and longing? Why hasn't He taken it away yet? Why hasn't He brought us a child yet when I know He is capable to do so?

3. I'm on a fertility medication and started my hormone supplements yesterday.

4. I feel different and left out of everyday, "normal" life.

That's all I can come up with for now. Any insights you have would be MUCH appreciated and prayer is always appreciated!